sonogram day {the real story}

Thank you so much for your many sweet comments about our baby boy. I wish I could have given each one of you a cookie to celebrate along with us! A few people have asked me if I am glad that we decided to find out this time. The actual sonogram day wasn't anything like I expected. In fact, my emotions that day totally caught me off guard. But now, we LOVE knowing. It has been so fun to talk about Levi's little brother and our two boys.

That probably doesn't answer your question, so here is the real sonogram day story...

We obviously decided to find out the gender of our baby. This was something new for us. I was trying so hard to approach sonogram day without a list of expectations. I had been laying my desire to have another little girl at the feet of Jesus. I was trying to trust God's plan for my family, whatever that would look like.

We had our sonogram with the specialist again--just like we did with Levi. That meant driving to a building right next to the hospital where we had to say goodbye to Cora. As we approached that all too familiar spot, Joel and I were battling the waves of emotions. Reminders of Cora's cancer came pouring in as well as anxiety as we waited to see if we had a healthy baby boy or girl on the way.

Our sonogram looked perfect. A very average and healthy baby. We were so thankful and relieved. And then at the very end of the sonogram it was time to learn if we were having a son or daughter. The sono tech asked me what I felt like we were having. I told her I was always wrong but I felt like I was carrying very similar to when I was pregnant with Cora. My pregnancy with Levi was so different. So I was guessing and hoping for a girl. Joel guessed boy. And then within seconds she was showing us the baby boy parts and congratulating us on our son.

The sonogram was over and I was not prepared for the emotions that were about to take over. We sat down in the waiting room and the tears just came. I was so embarrassed because I knew I had no reason to be crying...hello, she said healthy baby boy! I thought I might have a little time to recover before having to talk to anyone, but right after we sat down they were calling my name again to see the specialist. After trying to explain my uncontrollable tears to the nurse, PA, and specialist (I cried the entire time...I couldn't stop), we were walking out the door with pictures of our healthy baby boy. I felt like I should be skipping out the door with a smile on my face, but instead I was a mama with a very heavy heart. I had no idea that my appointment that day would lead to a total emotional breakdown.

I hesitate to even share what really happened the day of the sonogram. I fear that instead of seeing a shining light confident in the Lord's plan that day, the doctors and nurses saw a mama who was crying over not getting the little girl she desired. And I fear that you too will see me as a mama who doesn't understand the immense privilege it is to be a parent--whether boy or girl, healthy or not. So, I pray that you will understand my heart.

I think when it really comes down to it, that day--sonogram day--I was grieving for Cora. I miss her SO much. I associate pink and ruffles and bows and everything girly to the little girl who once lived in my house. Another little girl in our family wouldn't replace Cora or change how much I miss her. But my longing to experience all those girly things and a relationship with a daughter again is deeper than I even realized. I simply miss Cora and long for those days of holding my girl in my arms.

I love, love, love having a little boy. Boys are so fun and Levi has brought nothing but joy to me. To say that he has been a blessing in my life is a huge understatement. And I know that my second son will be the same. How fun it will be for Levi to have a brother and close friend to grow up with. I love that he will get to experience life with a brother. And I can't wait to see them together. My heart feels like it could explode just thinking about it.

Last week Joel and I did a lot of studying and reading about the goodness of God as we prepared for our small group. I think God's timing in that study was actually more for us than for the people we were leading in our group. As the sonogram approached we both agreed that whether this baby was healthy or not, boy or girl, we needed to rest in God's goodness. Honestly, I don't think I did a very good job of that. But as I sat in the doctor's office with tears streaming down my face, Joel grabbed my hand and quietly reminded me that God is good.

For the Lord God is a sun and shield;
How would you like to have an infinite, all-wise, good, loving, kind, unlimited resource and protector?

The Lord gives grace and glory;
He lavishes us with unmerited favor, kindness, goodness, and blessing.

No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly.
You'll never miss out if you do life God's way!
Psalm 84:11

God delights in me. He loves me. He takes pleasure in my happiness. His purpose is not to ignore or crush my desires but to fulfill them far beyond what I could imagine. Cora's death doesn't change His goodness. In fact, nothing that happens in my life changes God's goodness. God is always good. It is His nature. And we've been given promise upon promise that His goodness underlies everything He brings us through.

God's goodness is so different than what we perceive as a "blessing" or "good". That is hard for me to grasp and something that God has been teaching me over the past two years. I am trying to let go, once again, of my plan for my family and trust in God's good and perfect plan for my family. His plan is so much better.

So, for now I will be the only girly one around here. I will be the only one wearing pink and ruffles and bows (okay, maybe not the bows). I may even have to start adding some pink to my living room to get it out of my system. In the meantime...bring on the blue! Levi is having a brother! And I am beyond grateful for the awesome privilege it is to be the mama of two boys and one sweet girl in heaven.

*Notes on Psalm 84:11 taken from God As He Longs For You To See Him by Chip Ingram