what a day

Today has been an emotional roller coaster. 

But I think it is a perfect picture of how our lives feel right now.

Constantly going back and forth from joy to sadness... 

and trying to function amidst it all.

The day started off with our sonogram. That's right! I am half-way through this pregnancy and we are getting closer to meeting this sweet little baby that will be joining our family. We can't wait!

My doctor sent us to a specialist for the sonogram. As far as we know neuroblastoma is not hereditary. They are not treating this as a high-risk pregnancy. But, after everything we went through with Cora my doctor wanted to do everything possible to give us peace of mind right now.

The doctor's office we went to today was right across the street from the hospital where we spent 17 days with our sweet Cora. It was so hard to even see that hospital building again. We were thankful the sonogram wasn't actually in the hospital. I don't think we could have handled walking through those doors again.

Today we are thankful for good news. We were so thankful to find out that Baby Mac is healthy. Everything looked great! What a relief. But then it was back to reality as we had to answer tons of medical history questions and explain to the specialist Cora's brief battle with cancer.

The doctor was so kind as we struggled through all the answers. The tears were coming. After talking with the specialist we feel pretty confident that there isn't too much to worry about. I will have two more sonograms throughout this pregnancy with the specialist. Again, just to take every precaution and for our own peace of mind. We are thankful for proactive doctors who are trying to make this as easy as possible on us.

And in case you are wondering--which I'm sure none of you are...

We are not finding out if Baby Mac is a boy or girl. 

It will be a surprise to us all. 

Cora was a surprise too and we loved it that way.

Well, if that wasn't enough to handle in one day, there was more. 

Joel and I still have not purchased a gravestone for Cora. I don't even know if gravestone is the "correct" word. I just know that I hate even saying gravestone or anything like it. 

We should have done this a long time ago. But it has been too hard. It is just one more thing we have to do to make Cora's being gone all the more real. But today since Joel was already gone from work--which is hard when you are a farmer--we decided we needed to just go and do it.

It was just as horrible as I expected. I wasn't sure if I could even walk into the place without falling apart. But, I made it through without even a tear (I fell apart when I got home instead). I don't think I could cry because I was just so mad that we were even there.

I was mad that the salesman was showing us clipart pictures to put on the stone to represent our daughter's precious life. How can we choose a clipart picture to represent how much Cora's life meant? I was mad that we were trying to decided how to write Cora's name on a gravestone instead of writing her name on nursery name tags, birthday invitations, and play group lists like my friends are doing with their kids. And I was mad that my daughter's name was going to be in a cemetery--even though technically it is already there. It just seems so wrong. So final.

We were there a little over an hour and that was all we could handle. We probably will have to go back to make the final decision, but at least we made the first step.

Maybe it was a mistake to do all that in one day. But really, our days are filled with those extremes of emotions quite often. It is just our reality right now. And although we often don't know how to deal with these emotions all at once, the Lord knows every little thing that we are feeling. And He cares about us more than I can even comprehend.

I am so thankful that Cora's life does have meaning. I am thankful that we can look beyond her gravestone and see the hope of eternity. And although walking this road really stinks, I am thankful for this new eternal perspective the Lord is giving to me.

Now we live with a wonderful expectation because Jesus Christ rose again from the dead. For God has reserved a priceless inheritance for His children. It is kept in heaven for you, pure and undefiled, beyond the reach of change and decay.

1 Peter 1:3-4