my baby brother

My baby brother is not such a baby anymore.

He is a senior in high school this year.

And he is WAY taller than me.

This weekend we spent a lot of time cheering him on in the bleachers.

That is quite a sacrafice for a pregnant lady.

But it was worth it.

His team made it to the state soccer tournament

and I had to be there to cheer him on.

They did awesome.

They played some tough games.

They made it all the way to the finals and lost by one.

I know it didn't turn out like they had hoped,

but second place in state is still pretty awesome.

The whole family was there.

Fun times.

I got teary eyed when I hugged my brother after the game.

I knew he was so disappointed.

Man am I emotional...I even can cry at soccer games now!

And I don't think you can tell in any of the pictures,

but my brother is still sporting his pink shoelace.

For Cora.

What a sweetie!

I am so proud of you Owen!

eat beef

Several of us stopped to eat lunch at this cute little burger and shake place

on our way to the airport.

We couldn't leave Tennessee without showing some Kansas pride.

You know, like any good Kansas farmer would.

By supporting the beef industry.

Joel showed everyone how to put away a one pound hamburger.

The whole thing.

Gotta love that guy!!

my heart will choose to say

Blessed Be Your Name

Blessed be Your name in the land that is plentiful,

Where Your streams of abundance flow, blessed be Your name.

Blessed Be Your name when I'm found in the dessert place,

Though I walk through the wilderness, blessed be Your name.

Every blessing You pour out I'll turn back to praise.

When the darkness closes in, Lord, still I will say--

Blessed be the name of the Lord, blessed be Your name.

Blessed be the name of the Lord, blessed be Your glorious name.

Blessed be Your name when the sun's shining down on me,

When the world's all as it should be, blessed be Your name.

Blessed be Your name, on the road marked with suffering,

Though there's pain in the offering, blessed be Your name.

Every blessing You pour out I'll turn back to praise.

When the darkness closes in, Lord, still I will say--

Blessed be the name of the Lord, blessed be Your name.

Blessed be the name of the Lord, blessed be Your glorious name.

You give and take away, You give and take away

My heart will choose to say "Lord , blessed be Your name!"

I have always loved this song. It was so easy for me to sing these words at the top of my lungs when my world was all that it should be. I had my sweet little girl in my arms and life was good.

But, as we walk this road marked with suffering and pain, it suddenly changes the meaning. Joel and I chose to sing this song at Cora's funeral because we wanted the words to really ring true in our lives, even in the darkness. I remember singing the words quietly that day, still so numb and in shock as to what had just happened. I remember thinking,

Can I still honestly sing these words even with empty arms?

After a sweet time of worship on Sunday morning of the retreat, we ended our time together with this song. I just sobbed through the whole thing. I wanted so badly to go back to life as it was a year ago. I wanted so badly to not accept the fact that I was spending a weekend at a grief conference. I wanted so badly for Cora to still be here with us. Is this really part of your plan for my life God? Did this really happen? Am I really supposed to say blessed be your name when the most precious thing in my life has been taken away from me?

And during that time I felt Him simply saying,

Yes.

I will never fully understand His ways. And I am learning that is okay. Even though it seems like it would be so much easier if I could just understand His purpose and plan in taking Cora home. I am learning that I have to trust. Because I know who God is, I can accept what He gives and takes away--even when I don't understand. That doesn't mean I like it though! I have to determine to keep walking towards Him in the darkness. It is a choice I have to make every day.

My heart will choose to say, Lord, blessed be Your name.

what defines you?

More from the retreat...

There are so many things that I heard last weekend that keep running through my mind. I feel like I have jumped back into the busyness of "normal" life and haven't had time to process everything. I didn't take any notes at the retreat, so I have been trying to write down a few things I want to remember. This one thing has really stuck with me:

I don't want grief to define who I am.

I want Christ to define who I am.

What defines you? Isn't it so true that we often let our circumstances define who we are?

The hole that Cora left in my life when she died is a huge part of who I am. It always will be. Grief is a raw, hard thing. It is something that I have to face everyday now. But, do I want it to dominate my life?

We laughed with this group about how so often you feel like you are walking around wearing this big blinking sign that says, "MY CHILD DIED". It is like a warning when you are approaching and it creates so much awkwardness. If you are happy you feel like people think you are fine and ready to move on. If you are sad you feel like you are a burden to everyone around you.

Joel and I talked during the retreat about how we don't want to let grief control our lives, our family, or our relationships. While there will still be those days when we are so sad that we would rather pull the covers over our heads than face another day, we don't want grief to define who we are. We want people to look at our lives and see Christ. We want Christ to be glorified, even in our grief. We want our lives to be defined by Him.

It is easy to say that, right? It is so much harder to live out. I went away from this weekend realizing there are no easy answers. There is no quick fix to my grief. Not even at a conference for grieving parents. But what I did realize is that I need to be constantly filling the hole that Cora left in my life with Christ. Studying His Word and learning to know Him better. IN HIM is the only place that I am going to find true comfort and answers to my questions as I grieve. And as I spend time with Him and allow Him to overcome even my deepest sorrows, I am allowing Christ to define who I am. That is what I want people to see in me.

Anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead. You're not in the driver's seat--I am. Don't run from suffering; embrace it. Follow me and I'll show you how.

Luke 9:23-24 (The Message)

missing her

I couldn't help but pull out these pictures today...

I am missing my sweet little cuddly cow.

a new family

Joel and I have been involved in small groups ever since we were married.

And it seems like it is always the same with every group.

It takes about a year for everyone to feel really comfortable with each other.

It takes that long for people to be open and real and vulnerable.

It takes that long for those people to become more like family.

But it is amazing how this time it was so different.

In one weekend we gained a new family.

In one weekend we were vulnerable with each other, there was no avoiding it.

We shared our deepest hurts and struggles.

We shared our grief.

These are the eleven couples we spent the weekend with.

Eleven amazing couples. Each and every one of them.

Starting the first night together we shared our stories.

We sat in that big living room and told all about our sweet child.

We told about the tragedies and nightmares that we each had lived through.

Each story was different, but equally horrific.

We cried together.

And although listening to all those stories was really heavy,

there was something so neat about it.

We could relate.

We understood each other. And we felt instantly connected.

We loved being able to meet Bob and Lauren.

They too lost their first child, Robbie.

Shortly after Cora went to heaven, they sent us Nancy Guthrie's books.

Lauren has encouraged me so much.

She is so willing to share her story and answer my questions.

She is the one who e-mailed me and told me about the Respite Retreat.

And the best part was they were going to be there too!

Joel and I spent lots of time talking to them.

Their love for the Lord and dependence on Him is so evident.

We are learning so much from them.

We are so thankful for David and Nancy

and their willingness to share their lives.

The Lord is using their story to reach so many, including us.

Joel and I feel blessed to have met and shared our lives

with these eleven couples.

If we were honest, we would do anything to not be a part of this "club".

But this is our life now and these people really get us.

That was refreshing.

We are so thankful to have some new friends to travel this road with us.

still processing

This past weekend Joel and I headed to Nashville, Tennessee for a Respite Retreat. This retreat is hosted by David and Nancy Guthrie for couples who have faced the death of a child. Nancy is the author of The One Year Book of Hope that I told you has been so helpful to us.

We joked on our way there about what we were going to say to people who asked us what we were doing in Tennessee. You know, the well meaning flight attendant who wants to know if you are on vacation or visiting family. What would be their reaction when we told them we weren't actually in Nashville to visit the Country Music Hall of Fame?? Instead, we were coming for a weekend retreat for grieving parents. It would be just another of the many awkward moments we face these days. Thankfully, no one asked.

We picked up another couple from the airport and drove an hour outside of Nashville to this big, beautiful house. It is called The Hiding Place. Such a fitting name.

You (God) are my hiding place.

Psalm 32:7

There were eleven other couples, including Nancy and her husband, who joined us for this weekend. We each had our own little room in the house.

The majority of the weekend we spent in this living room. Sharing our stories, grieving together, learning how to move forward with the Lord's strength, and just getting to know each other.

It was a hard weekend. A weekend filled with many tears. There is so much that I am still processing. But, we are SO glad we went. We needed this time to grieve together. We needed this time to lean on and learn from so many others who are walking in our shoes. We needed this time to be reminded that Jesus himself speaks into our sorrows. There are no easy answers, but we can rest in the fact that we are grieving with HOPE.

We came back emotionally exhausted. Not quite ready to face the busy week ahead. Yet, at the same time feeling like we had some new tools to help us keep moving forward. I have so much more that I will share with you soon.