The Macs

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

sonogram day {the real story}

Thank you so much for your many sweet comments about our baby boy. I wish I could have given each one of you a cookie to celebrate along with us! A few people have asked me if I am glad that we decided to find out this time. The actual sonogram day wasn't anything like I expected. In fact, my emotions that day totally caught me off guard. But now, we LOVE knowing. It has been so fun to talk about Levi's little brother and our two boys.

That probably doesn't answer your question, so here is the real sonogram day story...

We obviously decided to find out the gender of our baby. This was something new for us. I was trying so hard to approach sonogram day without a list of expectations. I had been laying my desire to have another little girl at the feet of Jesus. I was trying to trust God's plan for my family, whatever that would look like.

We had our sonogram with the specialist again--just like we did with Levi. That meant driving to a building right next to the hospital where we had to say goodbye to Cora. As we approached that all too familiar spot, Joel and I were battling the waves of emotions. Reminders of Cora's cancer came pouring in as well as anxiety as we waited to see if we had a healthy baby boy or girl on the way.

Our sonogram looked perfect. A very average and healthy baby. We were so thankful and relieved. And then at the very end of the sonogram it was time to learn if we were having a son or daughter. The sono tech asked me what I felt like we were having. I told her I was always wrong but I felt like I was carrying very similar to when I was pregnant with Cora. My pregnancy with Levi was so different. So I was guessing and hoping for a girl. Joel guessed boy. And then within seconds she was showing us the baby boy parts and congratulating us on our son.

The sonogram was over and I was not prepared for the emotions that were about to take over. We sat down in the waiting room and the tears just came. I was so embarrassed because I knew I had no reason to be crying...hello, she said healthy baby boy! I thought I might have a little time to recover before having to talk to anyone, but right after we sat down they were calling my name again to see the specialist. After trying to explain my uncontrollable tears to the nurse, PA, and specialist (I cried the entire time...I couldn't stop), we were walking out the door with pictures of our healthy baby boy. I felt like I should be skipping out the door with a smile on my face, but instead I was a mama with a very heavy heart. I had no idea that my appointment that day would lead to a total emotional breakdown.

I hesitate to even share what really happened the day of the sonogram. I fear that instead of seeing a shining light confident in the Lord's plan that day, the doctors and nurses saw a mama who was crying over not getting the little girl she desired. And I fear that you too will see me as a mama who doesn't understand the immense privilege it is to be a parent--whether boy or girl, healthy or not. So, I pray that you will understand my heart.

I think when it really comes down to it, that day--sonogram day--I was grieving for Cora. I miss her SO much. I associate pink and ruffles and bows and everything girly to the little girl who once lived in my house. Another little girl in our family wouldn't replace Cora or change how much I miss her. But my longing to experience all those girly things and a relationship with a daughter again is deeper than I even realized. I simply miss Cora and long for those days of holding my girl in my arms.

I love, love, love having a little boy. Boys are so fun and Levi has brought nothing but joy to me. To say that he has been a blessing in my life is a huge understatement. And I know that my second son will be the same. How fun it will be for Levi to have a brother and close friend to grow up with. I love that he will get to experience life with a brother. And I can't wait to see them together. My heart feels like it could explode just thinking about it.

Last week Joel and I did a lot of studying and reading about the goodness of God as we prepared for our small group. I think God's timing in that study was actually more for us than for the people we were leading in our group. As the sonogram approached we both agreed that whether this baby was healthy or not, boy or girl, we needed to rest in God's goodness. Honestly, I don't think I did a very good job of that. But as I sat in the doctor's office with tears streaming down my face, Joel grabbed my hand and quietly reminded me that God is good.

For the Lord God is a sun and shield;
How would you like to have an infinite, all-wise, good, loving, kind, unlimited resource and protector?

The Lord gives grace and glory;
He lavishes us with unmerited favor, kindness, goodness, and blessing.

No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly.
You'll never miss out if you do life God's way!
Psalm 84:11

God delights in me. He loves me. He takes pleasure in my happiness. His purpose is not to ignore or crush my desires but to fulfill them far beyond what I could imagine. Cora's death doesn't change His goodness. In fact, nothing that happens in my life changes God's goodness. God is always good. It is His nature. And we've been given promise upon promise that His goodness underlies everything He brings us through.

God's goodness is so different than what we perceive as a "blessing" or "good". That is hard for me to grasp and something that God has been teaching me over the past two years. I am trying to let go, once again, of my plan for my family and trust in God's good and perfect plan for my family. His plan is so much better.

So, for now I will be the only girly one around here. I will be the only one wearing pink and ruffles and bows (okay, maybe not the bows). I may even have to start adding some pink to my living room to get it out of my system. In the meantime...bring on the blue! Levi is having a brother! And I am beyond grateful for the awesome privilege it is to be the mama of two boys and one sweet girl in heaven.

*Notes on Psalm 84:11 taken from God As He Longs For You To See Him by Chip Ingram


Blogger Katina said...

Aww, so sweet to speak honestly from your heart. We never found out until our fourth, and it just felt very different than finding out in the delivery room when you have your baby to snuggle. How can a pregnant mama not have lots of emotions at a time like that! Hugs...

May 4, 2011 at 7:17 AM  
Blogger Mrs. H said...

Jess, Thank you for your courage in sharing. I think you've given your readers a very real, very heartfelt look at what grief is like. Our journeys of child loss don't follow a script and they don't look the same for everyone. The wave of grief hits in unexpected ways and times. Your emotions make perfect sense. It was another time of loss, almost. You lost a possible opportunity to have another daughter. Have no shame in that grief. Just wanted to (come out of "lurking" &) encourage and reassure you in that...
And - Congratulations on that healthy little boy inside you. God will use these next few months to reassure your heart that this little guy is the perfect addition to your family :)

May 4, 2011 at 7:21 AM  
Blogger Michelle said...

You know, your family is never far from my thoughts, and always in my prayers ... and it's all because of Cora. She will never be forgotten. :)

I'm so sorry you are living with a heavy heart, but your strength and faith are so inspiring. Your posts are incredibly uplifting, and I just love your constant reminders of how important it is to place our worries in the hands of God. You set a perfect example of how a true Christian should live! I'm so thankful our paths have crossed ... and it's all because of your sweet Cora. :)

"Yesterday is history.
Tomorrow is a mystery.
Today is a gift.
That's why it's called the present!"

May you all be blessed with MANY "presents". :)

Congratulations, again, Mac Family.

May 4, 2011 at 7:25 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You will truly love having 2 boys in a row! To be honest I was really hoping my baby would be a girl. I have a 3 year old boy that needed a playmate but I wanted a girl. Well we had a boy, who by the way is named Levi, and it's just wonderful watching these 2 boys together! You'll love it!!

May 4, 2011 at 7:27 AM  
Blogger Mary said...

I am a regular reader of your blog however I am not very good at commenting.....sorry!

Your words move me. You write so honestly and handle everything with such grace.

As a mama to two little are in for the ride of your life! An awesome ride that is :) Congratulations to your growing family!

May 4, 2011 at 7:36 AM  
Blogger Jenae said...

Thank you for sharing! I think it's so great to be transparent and it encourages us even more to know how God is working through you, even in your moments of intense emotions.

And just a little encouragement about 2 boys close in ages (speaking from experience): it is exhausting, but they are a BLAST. It brings so much joy to my heart seeing THEIR friendship grow. My boys are 22 months apart, similar to what yours will be. Caleb is now 3 and Noah is 18 months and they LOVE playing together. It is my prayer that they will be best friends for life and that they will encourage eachother in their relationship with the Lord!

May 4, 2011 at 7:37 AM  
Blogger Marsha said...

Rejoicing with you in the gift of a perfect baby boy and praying with you as you miss your little girl. Thanks for sharing your heart! God is so good and His plans (although not what we always want) are perfect. Hugs and blessings...........


May 4, 2011 at 7:38 AM  
Anonymous Maria said...

Thank you for your honesty. I am touched by it. God bless you for being real.

May 4, 2011 at 7:40 AM  
Blogger Unknown said...

Wow. Thank you for sharing that. I am so encouraged that you have it RIGHT! God is good, no matter our circumstance. And if anyone can say that with conviction and authority, it would be someone who has walked through the depths. Your tears probably brought far more glory to God that day than you will ever know or understand!
Many blessings on a sweet baby son and brother. Amazing!!

May 4, 2011 at 7:44 AM  
Blogger sthanlon said...

I understand every word you said about your feelings and "He" does too! And I think a lot of us were hoping it would be a girl for you! God has a plan! Prayers coming your way! Hugs

May 4, 2011 at 7:45 AM  
Blogger Baby Kate's Mom said...

Thank you for sharing your sonogram day story. I think that what you experienced is a normal part of your grieving process. Of course a baby girl (or boy!) isn't going to replace the pain of losing Cora but you shouldn't apologize for how you feel. We all KNOW (and God knows) how happy you are to be carrying a healthy little boy. Even parents who haven't experienced a loss like yours can have some gender disappointment. And just so you know, I guessed wrong with both my kiddos too!

Levi is going to love having a little brother to eat rocks and dirt with and Cora will rejoice watching from heaven.
Take care mama!
aka babykatesmom

May 4, 2011 at 7:47 AM  
Blogger The Carters said...

I read your blog regularly but have never posted. We have four boys, but I had really hoped one would be a girl. When we went for the ultrasound for our fourth I just knew in my mind this was going to be my girl. Then as I set in the waiting room holding the pictures of our fourth little boy, I too shed some tears. I felt horrible for crying, as I was having a healthy child but was a little sad knowing this would be our last child and I would never know the joys of having a little girl. I think this is a common feeling all mother's have. When you have a heart set on one thing and God gives you another treasure, it takes you by surprise but in the end we can rest assured God knows what he's doing.

I do love my boys. Our house is full of boy "stuff" and it is always very LOUD. They each are unique and a blessing from God.
I know Cora is smiling down and will one day be reunited with you all in Heaven!
Thank you for sharing your real emotions. I love reading your blog.

May 4, 2011 at 7:53 AM  
Blogger Julie said...

Thank you for speaking honestly from your heart. Our situations are different, yet I feel some similarities. My first pregnancy ended in the tragic loss of twins, a son and a daughter. We have since been blessed 3 times over with 3 beautiful boys - but my heart aches for my daughter. She never got a chance to live outside of my womb, nor did her brother - but somehow, seeing his three brothers growing up, I feel like I see bits and pieces of what he would have been. I will never know what my first son would have been like - but I feel I have a better picture since I've been able to see his brothers grow and the joy they bring. But often times my heart hurts for the daughter I will never get to see grow. That bond you talk about between mother and daughter, the pink, the ruffles, the relationship. And it's not something I talk about much because many would not understand.

Thank you for your honesty - I understand where your heart is at and all that you feel.

Rejoicing with you and your healthy baby boy...and your big boy Levi!! And praying for your hurting heart. Though we have never met, Cora has forever touched my life and is forever missed!

May 4, 2011 at 7:56 AM  
Blogger Toni :O) said...

You have such a tender heart and of course we would expect nothing less from you to experience such raw are definitely entitled to it. I too, before scrolling down, was like "please let it be a girl, let it be a girl." However, when I saw that it was another boy, I felt true joy and elation for you, for Joel and for Levi. Those two boys will be so close growing up, they will be just like William and Harry seem to be! Your land of Hot Wheels, tractors and dirt will grow exponetially...but just think, when they get married, you gain TWO daughter-in-laws! How awesome and joyful is that?! Many blessings and prayers being sent your way always.

May 4, 2011 at 7:58 AM  
Blogger Trish said...

your transparency is so refreshing and i love that through it all you are still giving God the glory! you are a special treasure! hugs xoxo

May 4, 2011 at 8:00 AM  
Blogger Happiness Is... said...

What a sweet and honest post. Thank you for being so candid and for the reminder of His goodness.

May 4, 2011 at 8:06 AM  
Blogger The Coleman Family said...

Even though I have never been in your shoes, I believe that everything that reminds you of a baby or those moments you experienced with Cora are going to bring a flood of emotions along with it. Congratulations on a sweet healthy boy. God knew what he was doing when he gave you another boy. I pray that he will continue to comfort you during this hard and exciting time. Cora was a lucky girl to have you as parents. I know you feel fortunate to be her mommy. Love your blog! You are an inspriation to me to lean on the Lord and praise him in good and bad times.

With love from Arkansas!

May 4, 2011 at 8:08 AM  
Blogger Taking Heart said...

I will never forget the day of my last sonogram, 5 1/2 years ago... after two boys... begging on my knees... asking God for a girl. It felt selfish and raw... terrifying... and humiliating... but out of desparation... I asked anyway. I don't know that drive... I don't know WHERE those feelings came from... and I share about those quick moments with hardly anyone... for fear they would not understand my heart... I didn't even understand my heart at the time.

I think you are a brave... loving... amazing mother... daughter of the Living God. And to openly share those moments here is such a testament to your faith and to what is real within the depths of your heart.

When I lost my last baby... my greatest fear was that I would move on... lose those unexpected moments of grieving... like it never happened at all... I wanted to move on... but not move on. Praise God for your tears! Your heart is fresh with love for Cora... those time has passed... and that keeps Heaven near... her near... and especially God near... always.

Congrats on your growing son... My two boys are the loves of my life... my daughter came five years later... and she is the apple of all our eyes....

May 4, 2011 at 8:16 AM  
Blogger Aaron and Shannon said...

Jess...2 boys are AMAZING! :) They will be best of friends. I know how you feel about being the only girl, but know that you will always be protected! Those boys will always be there protecting their mama! We will be praying for you guys as you prepare for this new little guy! Congrats!

May 4, 2011 at 8:20 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

When I first found out I was pregnant I dreamed of everything pink. I had longed for a girl since I was barely old enough to understand the difference. I dreamed of baby girl names, nursery decorations, prom dresses and everything that a daughter would bring. They day I found out I was having a healthy baby boy I was both overjoyed, blessed and secretly morning the daughter that would not be. So you are not alone in this way of thinking. I think every mother has an idea of her child weather it be gender, personality, eye color or future goals. We are allowed to wish for something in our kids and be sad when our plan is not what God wanted this time. I will always want a daughter but my son is my world!!!

May 4, 2011 at 8:23 AM  
Blogger Kristin Stegent said...

Thank you for sharing. And I can only imagine all that you feel. I can certainly imagine wanting a girl again myself in your situation, and just that moment of finding out it isn't. So hard.

I think a lot of us mommies often hope for one gender or another (and don't admit it), but you even had more reason than the average mom to hope specifically.

I am sorry your baby girl isn't for this time.

And I can't wait to meet your new precious baby boy when he comes. Love and hugs to you!

May 4, 2011 at 8:34 AM  
Blogger Bridgette said...

Beautiful Jess, what a sweet, raw post. You owed your readers no explanation but bless you for being so open and honest. I'm learning to trust God with my future and everything else in my life including my first little one due in August. It's never easy but I am learning that he has bigger plans than I can see or imagine. They don't always unfold the way I thought they would or should but they are ultimately better. God knows why he is blessing you with another sweet boy! Blessings to you and your family

May 4, 2011 at 8:50 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thanks for sharing your heart!

We never found out gender. I had three precious boys at home and throughout my entire fourth pregnancy all I heard from others was "it's a girl... it HAS to be a girl". It got old. I thought all along it was a boy. Then out came boy #4. Now if I had a quarter for every time I hear "is #5 going to be a girl?", I'd be a wealthy woman.

There will not be a number 5. When I see cute little pink clothes , I get kind of sad (I had a few days of crying about it during my postpartum period) but I wouldn't trade these stinky, loud, sweet little boys for any girl. It's fun being the queen of the house. :)

May 4, 2011 at 8:54 AM  
Blogger vera said...

Oh, your post made me cry for you. I can just feel your pain and also your sweet, wonderful heart every time you talk about Cora and what you are going through. Even for those who have NOT lost a child and all of the emotions that must bring when you are pregnant again, I know it is SO TOTALLY normal to feel disappointment in your baby's gender. And there is nothing at all wrong with that. We all know you love this precious baby, and we trust that God has a perfect plan for your family (which I just happen to think WILL include another little girl some day!) I have two little girls 19 months apart (followed by a boy and now I am pregnant again and hoping for another boy - I will find out in a few weeks). I LOVE having two kids of the same gender close in age, they are the best of friends and it is so sweet. You will get the same blessing and will love it, I know! Hugs.

May 4, 2011 at 8:56 AM  
Blogger meg duerksen said...

when we found out scott was a boy i bawled.
i was terrified of having a boy.

i know it's nothing the same as what you felt and why but i remember it catching me off guard. thinking what is the matter with you??? and craig was so happy and i was so upset. he was very confused. i said "i had a sister! that's it! i don't know what to do with a boy!"

you are awesome jess.
God uses all those feelings and reactions and thoughts to bring us right back to HIM. we get to question why we feel this way? why this happened? what can i do? what should i feel? and then we thinkand study and pray and we end up right back at HIS feet. grateful and stronger and a teensy bit wiser in our faith.
and i think we continue like that our whole lives.

love you and cannot wait for mr. mac to be born.

May 4, 2011 at 8:59 AM  
Anonymous Susan said...

I have been following your blog for a while now, but this is my first comment! I am a Mom of two girls and a boy. While my experience with parenting has been nothing like yours, I remember very vividly the day we went in for our ultrasound with my 2nd baby, my 2nd girl. I remember hearing the MD say "Your little girl is getting a sister!". I was in shock. I thought I was having a boy. I WANTED a boy. How could this be? Then like you I felt immense guilt over feeling that way. She was a healthy, perfect, baby girl. Well, almost 4 years later, she is the light of my life. You're absolutely right, God knows what your family needs. He knew that Levi needed a little brother to play with just like He knew my first daughter needed a sister. Thank you for sharing your honest feelings with us. I'm sure that many of your readers have had similar emotions. The pregnancy hormones don't help either, do they?

Can't wait to keep reading about your pregnancy and life with your two boys! Congratulations!!!

May 4, 2011 at 9:02 AM  
Blogger Erica said...

Beautiful Jess, thanks for sharing. I was wondering if the news of having another boy would be tough especially having to revisit a place with so many emotional memories. It's great that we can come before Father with our disappointments, fears, hurts and excitement. I pray he meets you today where you need him most. Jess you're going to have so much fun watching those two boys grow up together. It's been a blessing I didn't expect.

May 4, 2011 at 9:09 AM  
Blogger Devon said...

thank you for our honesty...

i struggle with those thoughts too. i am the mom to 2 little girls and i have two little boys in heaven. what i wouldn't give to raise a son here on earth! but our family will not be growing anymore (i do pregnancy horribly) and sometimes the desire to raise a son is overwhelming...

i am glad to know i am not alone. thank you.

May 4, 2011 at 9:14 AM  
Blogger The Boccias said...

I needed this today. Thank you. When Nathan and I went to the dr yesterday, we talked before we went in about how God is good now and He still will be when we walk out of the building, whether our baby is healthy or not. It ended being not...and it's so very hard...but we still trust that His plan for our family is perfect.

Congratulations on your sweet baby boy. We love you all!

May 4, 2011 at 9:23 AM  
Blogger Pam said...

Grief hits us at the most unexpected times, swiftly, hard, and crushing. Please don't feel guilty, or feel a need to apologize to anyone-when you have lost a child, just living through each day is an accomplishment beyond measure. Blessings to you.

May 4, 2011 at 9:26 AM  
Blogger Stef said...

I'm glad you posted this, Jess. Thanks for opening up like this to us.
When I read your post about a boy, I wondered to myself "what would I desire to have, after losing a child of one gender?"
Mrs. H's comment was so true. Your emotions make total sense.
I'm worried, after recently miscarrying what would've been our 4th child (2nd boy) that if we have another baby and its not a boy, I'll have similar emotions. So your post gave me something to think about and to begin praying about now. Not sure I felt it until I read your post. God is good to give us little glimpses into how we're really doing.

I can't wait to meet your new son! I bet he and Levi will be best buddies and will give you lots of entertainment and joy!

May 4, 2011 at 9:27 AM  
Blogger A said...

i really appreciate you sharing so honestly about your appointment. i have the opposite hope- that this baby is a boy. i am so scared of trying to raise a girl in today's society, and i am so scared that we will have an awful teenage relationship like i did with my mom. from family/friends' experiences, boys just seem "easier" and more fun/less drama to me.... but all at the same time, it feels ungrateful when i say/type those words because obviously we are so grateful for this baby, boy or girl. all we can do is do our best at parenting this baby and raising them to have a strong faith and placing them in God's hands. sorry this got kind of rambly...

May 4, 2011 at 9:27 AM  
Blogger mommyof2sons said...

Thanks for sharing you heart. I always love reading your blog. Actually shed some tears today as I read it. I am so thankful for my two boys. But have always wanted a girl. Loved when your hubby grabbed your hand and said "God is good"

May 4, 2011 at 9:28 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Jess I couldnt help but cry reading your post. I love your honesty and how you hold on to God through good times and the bad times. Congratulation's on the new baby boy God has sent you and Joel. I cant wait to read about Levi and his new brother. Just know that Cora will forever be missed by all that knew her through you and Joel and by you sharing her story with others. I know Cora is smileing down from Heaven at being a big sister to her two brothers. The Wiseman's

May 4, 2011 at 9:30 AM  
Anonymous Susy M said...

Your reaction was normal. God has plans for all of us. He does not give us more than we can handle.

May 4, 2011 at 9:31 AM  
Blogger Tara said...

I soooo wanted my son to be a girl. Like *seriously* wanted him to be a girl. I had the bunkbeds and pottery barn comforters and matching pigtails all planned out in my head. However, He is continually teaching me that His will for my life is much better than mine. And my sweet Haden is proof of that every day.

You are human. And pregnant. You are still grieving. Don't be so hard on yourself. Jesus had human emotions too ... "take this cup from me" ... but like you said, God's plan for our lives is so much better than anything we could ever fathom for ourselves. Sometimes it just takes a little reminder.

And, girl, get you some pink in that living room! :)

May 4, 2011 at 9:33 AM  
Blogger Kahla said...

Sometimes it's hard to not be in control, I've had to learn that the hard way. Our stories aren't the same, I never held my precious daughter in my arms and had to say goodbye, but I do understand your feelings. We had to do IVF due to severe male factor issues and were blessed to have it work our first time. We lost one baby, but now have a healty, wonderful, six year old son from that cycle. I grieved the baby we never got to meet, but I'm so thankful for our son. I was very naive and assumed our 2nd IVF cycle would work like the first. It didn't. Then our third didn't. On our fourth cycle, we were once again blessed with twins. I was so grateful and prayed so much. Then at 7 weeks we lost them both within days of each other. Three babies in heaven caused me to question so much and I got very lost. It was a hard road and I grieve every single day. We did IVF a fifth time and became pregnant with a singleton. I was terrified and thankful. I felt horrible because I longed for a girl. We had done five IVFs, taken a great deal of debt, and were desperate to add to our family. I knew I should be thankful for a healthy baby, but I still wanted a girl. When we went to the big ultrasound I knew that either way a healthy baby is what mattered, but I also knew that I would be devastated if I didn't hear that four letter word. I was ashamed of myself. Not because I wouldn't love another boy, but because I would grieve what I would never have. We were blessed with a girl that is now 18 months old and not a day goes by that I realize God knew what he was doing all along. I can't even imagine what ya'll have gone through and it breaks my heart. I remember following Cora's story and praying along with ya'll. I understand your grief and that is OK. But boy how much fun you'll have with two little boys. Trust me, God knows what he's doing (not that I have to tell you that, I know you already have that figured out). Congrats again on your healthy baby boy!

May 4, 2011 at 9:39 AM  
Blogger Beki - TheRustedChain said...

Jess, I didn't even comment on your last post because I really suspected that the story behind it went something like this. (I was so excited for you but not sure what to say!)

Obviously God knows what He's doing. I'm proud of you for facing the emotions and sharing them! You are loved beyond measure and new baby Mac will be an amazing addition to your family!

May 4, 2011 at 9:41 AM  
Blogger Tricia said...

My grandma used to say this all the time and it makes me feel slightly awkward to say it myself but, "Bless your heart", Jess. Very literally. God knows what is on your heart and mind and he is indeed always good.
Thank you for continuing to share Cora with us, even when it is so very hard.


May 4, 2011 at 9:42 AM  
Blogger Courtney said...

Jess, Honestly, I am speechless. Your raw honesty and amazing trust in the Lord are so beautiful. So many women have been in your shoes in wishing for one or the other... boy or girl. This post speaks to those who wish for one or the other, to those who have had to say goodbye too soon to a child and to many others that gain such perspective and hope through each and every one of your posts. Continue trusting in God's perfect plan for your family and thank you for sharing your heart with us. Many congrats to your sweet family and baby boy Mac! A big 'cheers' to watching your boys grow up to be the best of friends. Congrats!

May 4, 2011 at 9:45 AM  
Blogger Sarah said...

I relate to this post a lot! We have two girls. When we went in for my ultrasound for our now 2 year old, I thought I was having a boy. We already had a daughter and a son would be perfect. We live on a farm and I had hopes and dreams of our son carrying on the farming tradition. When we found out it was girl, I was sad. My husband on the other hand was excited because it was healthy. I was happy that she was healthy too,but I just had hopes for a boy. Now, 2 years later, we couldn't be happier with our two girls and they love playing together. I'm sure you will experience the same thing with the boys. Praying for you!;0)

May 4, 2011 at 9:49 AM  
Blogger Deborah Raney said...

Your honesty is so refreshing and such a gift to others who've felt exactly the same way. I think the fact that you came to a point of thanking God and rejoicing in the news so quickly is a sign of maturity. And especially sharing the truth honestly and without sugar-coating it, is an even greater sign of maturity. You're my hero! And I'm just delighted thinking about your two little boys playing together (I have 3 little grandsons who are brothers, and in spite of how outnumbered their mommy is, they have SO much fun together! Okay...and a few brotherly tussles, too!)

Congratulations and God bless this new little baby. He's so blessed to be coming into your family!

May 4, 2011 at 9:52 AM  
Blogger Emily said...

Oh Jess, your feelings are justified no matter what they were. You have so much love in your heart and it is obvious to all your readers. I had a little boy that was still born and when I we found out I was having a healthy baby girl with my second pregnancy I had the very similar reactions that you did. I too don't believe that it had anything to do with this new healthy life but the sorrow we have in our hearts for our lost children. Grief is so unpredictable and can be so very frustrating at times as we have no control over it...or ourselves sometimes. Congratulations on your newest baby boy. So proud of you for sharing with us the tough topics as well as the easy ones.

May 4, 2011 at 9:54 AM  
Blogger Steph said...

Thank you so much for having the courage to be vulnerable and share your feelings! Your honesty is a blessing, and I am honored to be able to share in your joy, pain, and learning. Praying for you as you continue your journey! <3

May 4, 2011 at 9:54 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Good morning from Wyoming~

I'm a true Kansas girl...lots of family and friends in that wonderful state. I've been stalking your blog since a friend of mine in Kansas sent me there when your sweet Cora became ill.

I've enjoyed reading your blog and appreciate your honesty.

I'm a mom to two boys. Having always thought I'd have one of each I can so feel your emotion in your latest post. But, believe me...I've learned over the past almost 18 years...God certainly knows what he is doing.

You'll love those boys and you really will wonder one day why you ever thought "two boys".

Enjoy them. They grow up way too fast!



May 4, 2011 at 9:55 AM  
Anonymous Danielle H. said...

Can I say that I was a wee bit disappointed for you, too, that it was a boy? I wanted you to have another little girl - to be able to experience what you were missing with Cora. But how exciting to be having a sweet baby boy for Levi to grow up with! And I've heard boys are VERY close to their mamas! God's plan is not always our own but God knew you would have a heavy heart over this. There is a plan for your family and of course we must just trust in Him. Know you are reacting in a very normal way - no one would judge you for this.

May 4, 2011 at 9:59 AM  
Anonymous Erin said...

I don't think anyone would think badly of you for sharing your heart. When we found out our second child was also a boy, I too had a tinge of disappointment that it wasn't a girl. I guess it was because I had convinced myself I was carrying a girl so it was shocking to hear it was another boy. But you are right in being excited about Levi having a little brother; my boys are 16 months apart and are very close. It is a beautiful thing to see when they interact, "speak" to each other and invent their own games. Congratulations on another little boy blessing!

May 4, 2011 at 10:02 AM  
Blogger Vicki said...

I am a Mom of 2 amazing young men -I carried baby number two so differently that I was convinced I was having a girl - surprise another boy. I think all Mom's have a desire to have a little girl and I am praying that one day I will be blessed with a little pink grandbaby. I love reading your posts - you are an amazing and beautiful woman. It is nice to the the "Queen" of the house - enjoy your boys as they will bring you so much love and happiness.

May 4, 2011 at 10:11 AM  
Blogger Rachel said...

So sweet that Levi is going to have a brother to run around with in rubber boots, jumping in mud puddles! My friend lost a baby girl when she was 6 months old. When they were expecting their next baby they too found out what they were having and it was another girl. She cried and cried. She of course was thrilled to have another girl. I'm sure it's just a very, very emotional time.

May 4, 2011 at 10:35 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

your honesty, humbleness, and fellowship is what keeps bringing me back to your blog. I even come sit at my computer to read your blog when I need a moment to feel rejuvenated. Everything you felt on sono day is completely understandable. You are so inspiring to me so I thank you for sharing your life and trials with us all, a very brave thing! God Bless!

May 4, 2011 at 10:40 AM  
Blogger Heather said...

Thank you for sharing your heart. My husband and I lost our little boy just over a month ago. I went into pre-term labor at 18 weeks and he only lived a few moments before Jesus called him home. I know that someday, when we are ready, I will be praying for a boy. Infertility issues have been a long road for my husband and I, and we will be happy and grateful for any child, but now that I had a son, I want to experience all those things with him that we are missing out on. Hugs and prayers to you for a healthy pregnancy.

May 4, 2011 at 10:49 AM  
Blogger Shelly said...

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I don't think anyone will think that you are ungrateful for getting upset about having another boy and if they do, then that's their problem and shame on them for being so judgmental without knowing your history. Congratulations on your baby boy!

May 4, 2011 at 10:57 AM  
Anonymous Paula said...

from my heart i just want to give you a hug and tell you that everything will be OK.. God is good.. he is giving you this little boy because he knows you will be the best mom to him.. Levi will have a partner in his love of dirt, rocks. cows, tractors, and the love of farms and farming.. I pray your little girl comes to you one day so you can do the "girly" things.. I will pray.. sending love to you all.. <3 Paula

May 4, 2011 at 11:31 AM  
Blogger Ruth Abel said...

Thank you for sharing your heart. That took courage. I think you have shown your strength of character because you have those emotions that are so natural and understandable, but by the Lord's strength, you choose not to stay there. I am needing to learn that, I must to CHOOSE to know that the Lord is ALWAYS good. Not just when I feel like it. Thank you for the reminder!

May 4, 2011 at 11:42 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi, I've been following your blog for a while and I wanted to say Thank You for sharing your story! We lost triplets to prematurity 9 years ago and went on to have twin girls and another little girl. When we found out I was pregnant with our 3 girl, I have to admit my husband and I were a little disappointed. 2 of our triplets were boys and though a new little boy could never replace the ones we lost, it would give us a chance to raise a little boy and for my husband to have a son to do "guy stuff" with. Turns out that 3rd daughter of ours was the BEST possible thing that happened to us! She is our little spit fire and a total daddy's girl. I'm SO glad she wasn't that boy we wanted so bad. That said, we did go on to have a 4th and got our little boy who is 3 now and is SUCH A JOY! I was really missing out on not having a boy! And now he gets to grow up with 3 little moms watching out for him. I believe you'll get your little girl again and she'll have amazing older brothers watching out for her! Plus it's so much fun having 2 of the same sex so close in age, they become each others best friends.

May 4, 2011 at 11:52 AM  
Anonymous Karina said...

I have read every comment and I am crying and I am soooo thankful to you - not only for your honesty and clarity of expression, but for the fact that this sharing has made it possible to read the heartfelt things that all these amazing women have shared here. Isn't this an incredible, modern community?

To be honest, I still feel guilty to this day that I was disappointed when I first found out my second son was going to be a boy. I really wanted a girl. Period.

Now that my boys are six and four and BEST FRIENDS, I am even more thrilled that their little sister has TWO big brothers for life. It really helped me to look at it from my children's point of view and realize what a blessing it will be for them to have each other. And yes, my boys did get a little sister. Who knows, Jess, what your future has yet in store...I know you would say God does.

Hugs to you, you are truly inspiring.

May 4, 2011 at 11:53 AM  
Blogger Monica said...

I totally get it. Please don't feel bad or worry about your grief. It's normal and understandable. I had three boys and wanted a girl so bad that my husband and I decided to try one more time to see if I could get some ruffles and bows. We ended up with twins!!! I just "knew" that it would be two boys but I was wrong and God blessed me with two girls! Your son is a lucky little boy.

May 4, 2011 at 11:57 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wile I was reading i was Crying but at the same time brought me memories I also cry when i found out I was having a Boy and it was because I new I could only have tow kids and my daughter wanted so bad a sister that I felt like I felt not given her a sister but, before I even got pregnant I had pray to god to give me what we need it and it was going to bring happiness to our lives and God is so perfect he give us a Boy and can I tell you I can't not imagine our life without our Ever that is his name. God Blessing and knowledge is so incredible my daughter adore her brother and she even forgot that one day she wanted a sister he has brought all of our family together hes personality is just one of a kind and I'm so grateful.

May 4, 2011 at 12:06 PM  
Blogger DianeTaylor said...

Jess - if anyone thinks that way about you, well there are not looking at your heart. I completely understand your desire to have a sweet daughter again. After all - it is a special bond between a mother and a daughter. What woman wouldn't want that? What woman wouldn't secretly hope for that when she is expecting? God certainly knows your heart - and he has chosen you to be the mamma of 2 very special boys. That will never ever change how you feel about Cora - she taught you how wonderful a mother-daughter bond can be. I'm so sorry your tears overtook you - but I think we all would have felt the same way. It will be ok - bring on team blue!!! (and yes, I would have totally eaten one of those yummy cookies, ok mabye 2 or 3 - ha ha ha!)

Take care - Diane

May 4, 2011 at 12:09 PM  
Blogger Surrounded-By-Boys said...

What a sweet, heartfelt post. I'm so glad Baby Mac is HEALTHY. I'm sure that is such a relief to you and Joel. I was IMMENSELY disappointed that I had 2 boys and no girls. My Mom died when I was 20 and I always thought that I would have a daughter so we could share a bond; I guess the Lord thought better.....I still struggle every single day with why I never had a daughter, but I'm hoping the Lord will reveal that to me one day.

May 4, 2011 at 12:10 PM  
Anonymous Carla said...

Oh my goodness, what a post. I am so delighted that Baby Mac 3 is healthy but you know, the day I read your announcement, a tiny corner of my heart thought that maybe you would feel as you did. Nobody who reads this blog could mistake your love for your children, not only does it shine from every post, you make so many of your readers appreciate their own children more and be better parents. Your honestly is astounding and humbling, you make me want to be a better person. Congratulations on your boy, he's a lucky little man. Thank you for sharing your beautiful heart x

May 4, 2011 at 12:34 PM  
Blogger Mommy to Many said...

You have an amazing testimony...even if it is not the one you had imagined for yourself.

It IS okay to miss your sweet girl and to let yourself still grieve for her.

May the Lord CONTINUE to bless and keep you and may His face shine upon you and GIVE YOU PEACE!

May 4, 2011 at 12:42 PM  
Blogger mary said...

This is an absolutely beautiful and amazing post. Thanks for sharing your heart. Your love for the Lord is so evident and clear!!!!

May 4, 2011 at 12:49 PM  
Blogger Kristine Hanson said...

Thanks for sharing, I think those are very valid feelings you cousin and his wife lost their first baby 8 years ago...a girl...have gone on to have 3 healthy boys...everytime they have had a baby we all have hoped for a girl, but are overjoyed with the beautiful, healthy boys they have been blessed with. God has a plan!

May 4, 2011 at 1:00 PM  
Anonymous Kelly said...

I completely understand your heart and think this is a normal reaction. Honestly, I know several families who have had similar feelings initially. I am so moved by your authenticity and just feel so moved by God when I read your blog. Thank you for reminding me to trust in the Lord and that my God is GOOD! I am praying for you

May 4, 2011 at 1:22 PM  
Blogger Sarah said...

I cried as I read what you were feeling. Thank you for sharing it with all of us. I know somewhat how you feel. We had a little boy and our second was also a boy. I really wanted a girl too but now I am so thankful for our second little boy. I love watching my two boys play and interact with each other and I love that they have each other. Than our third was a girl and I love that she has not one but two older brothers!

May 4, 2011 at 2:09 PM  
Blogger Erika said...

totally understandable! thank you for being so honest. i was talking with my friend this morning (we met at our grief group two years ago and have become best friends)- and she told me i had to come read this post because it was so good. (((((hugs)))) i can relate to how you are feeling in many ways- my identical twin daughters were stillborn, and not getting to raise them...identical twin girls...has been so hard. it is a part of the grief process that many do not understand- but it is so real. I am so happy you are having a healthy baby, and you are right- your little guy will love having a brother so close in age. But mourning for the loss of having a daughter to watch grow into a woman is also very real...and totally understandable. thank you for sharing from your heart!!! (((hugs)))

May 4, 2011 at 2:14 PM  
Anonymous kristin said...

i think you are right on. i think you are living a true life tuned in to god's hope for you while carrying the grief of loss. thank you for sharing. and congratulations!

May 4, 2011 at 2:21 PM  
Blogger Kylie and crew. said...

You shared your heart beautifully! I'm happy for you and your growing family...and I long for you to see Cora again.

May 4, 2011 at 2:22 PM  
Blogger JulieA said...

Thanks so much for sharing, Jess. Your post made me cry... as I, too, cried buckets after finding out that we were having a second boy. So thrilled that he was healthy, so blessed that we hadn't lost him (as we'd miscarried twice before) but so sad that I wouldn't get to enjoy a sweet little girl. There is a place in my heart that aches whenever I see sweet girly things, pink, etc and I'm not sure that will ever end. :) But, I rest in the fact that God has the perfect plan for me and my family, and I trust that I might have 2 sweet baby girl angels up in Heaven, waiting for us. Hugs to you and thanks for sharing in your beautiful blog.

May 4, 2011 at 2:26 PM  
Blogger Lindsay said...

This post is a perfect example of why I follow your blog. Thank you for having the courage to share something so honest and painful with us when it would have been easier not to. Lots of hugs to you.

May 4, 2011 at 2:38 PM  
Blogger katherine said...

I think you can mourn Cora, mourn the daughter who is not currently the baby you are pregnant with and still rejoice in the boy, son and brother you are having. It's confusing to have conflicting emotions, but I have found a lot of freedom in allowing them all to exist at the same time. Thanks for sharing your heart.

May 4, 2011 at 2:50 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Beautifully written ... I don't think anyone in their right mind would think you were upset about not having a girl. It's obvious you love Levi and having a boy. Of course you'll be emotional. Who wouldn't be?

Best wishes to a healthy pregnancy and do not worry what we think. But know that everyone is supporting you.

May 4, 2011 at 3:04 PM  
Blogger Colleen said...

I love your honesty. I actually wondered as I read that you were having another boy, if you secretly desired another girl. I think that anyone can understand your situation and that many of people have wished for a specific gender when finding out or carrying a child, but love him/her unconditionally reguardless! Thank you for continuing to share your journey through life with us. It is an inspiration to us all!!!

May 4, 2011 at 3:04 PM  
Blogger Miriam said...

What a beautiful way to explain such complex emotions.

May 4, 2011 at 3:14 PM  
Blogger Melody said...

Oh Jess, I am just in tears reading this. I have never walked in your shoes, but I just feel your pain and, wrong as I may be, feel like I can totally understand what you are going through. I am so so sorry. Of course I am so stinking happy that you have a beautiful, healthy baby boy growing within you, but I am so deeply sorry that you had to ever say goodbye to your precious girl and that you aren't able to share with a new baby girl what you shared with Cora- yet. Thank you so much for sharing your heart.

May 4, 2011 at 3:42 PM  
Blogger Alicia said...

Jess- I have only commented on your blog a few times, but have followed it for quite a while, and I just want to say even though I don't "know" you you are amazing. When I saw your post that it was a boy I thought, "I hope she's not sad, but I think I would be." I have not experienced anything like you have with the death of a child, but just being a mom I knew that is probably exactly how I would feel. Even though I am Christian and know it's not right, just like you said. I mainly wanted to let you know that most people that read your blog aren't going to look at you differently for your very REAL feelings. And how courageous of you to share with all of us!

May 4, 2011 at 4:01 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh sweet Jess, you are precious and courageous. I am so sorry for your tears. Of course you miss your precious Cora. She is lovely. I'm just so sorry that the pain is a part of the journey. One day....

May 4, 2011 at 4:16 PM  
Anonymous Brigid said...

I absolutely understand your emotions. After losing our daughter (our first child), I remember sitting in the specialist's office near tears hoping and praying for another little girl. I knew in my heart I would be dissapointed if it were a boy and I knew how absurd that would sound to most after having an ill child, but I longed to have that mother-daughter relationship again. We are pregnant wih our 3rd now, and I was again surprised at the waves of emotion that hit me unexpectedly after I found out that it was a son (our first), not b/c I wasn't excited (I am), but that our family was growing and changind and our firstborn wasn't here to experience it. I have to remind myself that she can see it all from heaven. It still surprises me when the waves of emotion and grief hit unexpectedly. It will be 3 years next week for us and it really never goes away... just changes. Congrats on your little boy... he will bring you much joy!

May 4, 2011 at 4:51 PM  
Blogger Melissa Joy said...

THANK YOU for sharing this window into your heart, Jess. When I read the "it's a boy" post the other day, I started bawling for you. I just felt that, whichever way it went really, it must hold such a mountain of emotions and I was just overwhelmed for you, thinking about what your heart must have gone through when they told you about your baby boy. I was rejoicing with you, get grieving with you. I can only imagine how much you long for a daughter to fill your arms and home again. I pray that God gives Cora, Levi, and Baby Boy a little sister of their own someday (if I may be so bold).
Thank you for letting us see this beautiful side of you. It's an honor.

May 4, 2011 at 5:05 PM  
Blogger Nancy said...

Your blog is PRECIOUS, I love your honesty. One day you will ALL be together & I bet Cora is in Heaven rejoicing for her precious brothers & just waiting to all be together.
Congratulations & I am so happy for you & your family!

May 4, 2011 at 6:02 PM  
Blogger Sara @ Mom Endeavors said...

Jess, thank you SO much for your honesty in sharing that! The tears are streaming down my face because I too have those feelings. We also have two little guys who I love beyond measure and wouldn't trade for any little girl in the world. Yet my heart still longs for a little girl--the dresses, the ruffles, the mother-daughter bond.
So, it's giving me much peace reading your post and these comments, knowing that even though everyone's story is different, there are many mamas out who share the same feelings.
With all that said though, I can say with certainty that watching your boys together will bring you SUCH joy. Having my two little guys together is SUCH fun! I can't wait to "meet" the newest Mac baby! :)

May 4, 2011 at 7:08 PM  
Blogger Deb said...

God is good. Thanks for the reminder in your final paragraphs. It spoke to my heart.

May 4, 2011 at 7:28 PM  
Blogger LeAnne said...

Congratulations on your baby boy! I do not know you personally, but through reading your blog I feel that I know your spirit as revealed in your beautiful writing about our Father and your family. I don't think anyone will blame you or misunderstand your tears. We know your heart and your love for your children. You are so sweet and inspiring!

May 4, 2011 at 7:32 PM  
Blogger Rebekah said...

This post only shows me and all your readers that you are human. You are also stronger than you realize! All these emtions that you are going through are normal. God has something so special instore for you!! Again I suggest to you the book "Plan B". It's not our plan it's HIS plan. That doesn't make it any easier. I'm so very sorry for what you have gone through but you must know that through you, your blog and your beautiful daughter you have made my faith in the Lord so much stronger, hopefully that will count for something. You are an incredible person and i am a better person for finding your blog!! THANK YOU!!

May 4, 2011 at 7:51 PM  
Blogger Jane said...

Oh Jess my heart is aching for you right now - thanks for so bravely sharing your experience.

I have only one thought, not sure if this is helpful at all - God will bless you with a girl in his own timing. You are right that you can indeed trust in his goodness to you.

One of the wisest people I know has two grown sons and wanted more children but couldn't after complications with her second boy. Despite her sadness at not giving birth to a daughter she said to me once - 'God has blessed me with daughters, the wonderful girls that my boys married' - what an amazing gift to be able to have that perspective. I pray that you will be gentle to yourself about your desire to have a little girl and trust that God will bring it about in his timing. (And embrace the fact that you'll have 3 boys to spoil the most important girl in their lives!)

May 4, 2011 at 7:52 PM  
Blogger Allison said...

Thank you for sharing your feelings about this. Since you were wanting, even expecting, another daughter, what a good thing to find out early that you are having a boy -- now you'll have a few months to mourn those girl-expectations for this baby and get excited about the reality of having another beautiful little boy. He will surely be a blessing to you as his mama, just like his big brother and sister.

May 4, 2011 at 8:14 PM  
Blogger Ali said...

I know you have a lot of comments on this post, so I'm not sure you'll read mine. However, I felt an urge to comment. I have two boys 17 months apart in age whom I love and adore. Today, Joshua and Noah are in first and second grade. I also cried the entire evening that I found out my second was a boy. Like you, I was happy to know my child was healthy but I longed for a mother/daughter relationship. My mom passed away when I was 15 and while I knew it would be different, I was desperate for that mother/daughter bond again. On top of that, my husband and I had talked about only having two in my mind 'that was it'. My chances to have the mother/daughter bond were gone. Fast forward...My oldest son did not develop 'normally' and is high functioning autism. If he had it his way he's be alone and an introvert....But luckily he has a 'typical' little brother who brings him out of his shell, who is his best friend and who has been the BEST teacher to his big brother! They are truly best friends and Joshua is what he is today because of his little brother. I know, my husband knows, everyone in our family knows that Noah was the best thing to happen to Joshua! God IS good and he KNOWS what he is doing. I know you know that, probably way more than me. Fast forward again... when Joshua was 5 and Noah was 4 I gave birth to my sweet baby girl Natalie on April 7, 2008! It was worth the wait and every single day I thank God for knowing his plan is better than mine. God Bless you and congrats on your sweet baby boy! Also, thanks for such an honest post!

May 4, 2011 at 8:50 PM  
Blogger JuliaVP said...

Thanks for your honesty. Some of the words you shared are exactly what I needed to hear and what I was thinking. I quoted you on my blog tonight. I hope you don't mind.

May 4, 2011 at 8:51 PM  
Blogger Bec74 said...

I have one girl,and then three boys in a row. I remember the sonogram with our last....we walked out after finding out it was another boy, and I cried my eyes out! I was so sure I was going to give my daughter a sister. SO thankful for my boys. Would not change it for a thing! As I know you feel the same. Levi is such a handsome little man. Cant wait to see what his baby brother looks like. CONGRATULATIONS! You two sure make beautiful babies!

May 4, 2011 at 8:59 PM  
Blogger Mary said...

I couldn't even finish reading your entire post without stopping to comment. I understand your heart so completely. When you announced that you were having a boy Cora was heavy on my heart and I couldn't help but have a bit of heartbreak that it wasn't a little girl. I was indeed thrilled and grateful to the Lord that you were having a healthy baby boy, but my heart wanted your arms to hold a little girl again. My heart wanted to see you and her together and see her dressed in some beautiful Cora dresses. I am so thrilled for you. Please don't get me wrong. I just love Cora and thought it would be really special for you to meet her sister. God's plan is perfect though and I love Levi too. I think he is going to LOVE having a brother! It will be so special to watch the two brothers play and grow together. Perhaps Cora wanted to be the only girl for a while. That is pretty special you know. She gets to be the only princess for now. God bless you Jess. I am sorry that my words don't come out quite right, but I hope you understand my heart too. You are so loved and so are Cora, Levi and their new baby brother.

May 4, 2011 at 9:41 PM  
Blogger Jennifer said...

What an amazing husband you have. When you said Joel grabbed your hand and reminded you that God is good I got chills.

Bless you and your sweet family!

May 4, 2011 at 9:43 PM  
Blogger Davene Grace said...

Thank you so much for sharing openly about this. I don't want to sound weird...after all, I don't really know you or anything!...but I sensed in my spirit that you might be grieving the fact of not being pregnant with a girl. I haven't walked your journey, but what you've shared makes perfect sense, and I applaud your courage and grace. I'm a mother of four boys; and although I never imagined my life would turn out that way, I can see so clearly the goodness of God. His ways are higher--and so much better--than ours. May you feel His arms so close around you, in times of sorrow and in times of joy.

May 4, 2011 at 9:44 PM  
Blogger Lollipoplin said...

mother of three boys here.... no worries, you are not alone. i cried too.

May 4, 2011 at 11:10 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


Like others I have to share my story as well. I had 2 miscarriages both in the 2nd trimester both boys. We already had cute names and bid dreams for our boys each time. When I became pregnant again, I was considered high risk and had weekly ultrasounds. I was excited that weekly ultrasounds meant that I would have a chance to find out what I was having earlier than most. My doctor said that he's often able to see gender at 14 weeks. At the 14 week ultrasound we could not see. I was so sure it was going to be a boy again. I mean it had to be, right!!? I had lost 2 boys and I wanted a boy in my arms. I had even been buying boy clothes. 15 weeks - could not tell. 16 weeks - same story. 17 weeks - nope. 18 weeks - really, you can't tell!! Finally driving home that day, I cried out to the Lord. I felt He telling me that He would not let me know until I gave it to Him. In the car that day, I made my peace with the Lord and with my desire for that baby to be a boy. I told the Lord I would be so grateful either day. I was only days away from Christmas. My doctor offered to take another look at the end of that same week so we might know and be able to tell our family on Christmas day. I was nearly 19 weeks. I got up to go to my appointment and I just knew. I knew that I was carrying a girl. I accepted it. Even embraced it. I told the Lord I loved and trusted Him either way. That day I discovered that I was having a....girl. I LOVE her more than words can say!! Our stories are so different, but I relate on some level to what you experienced on songram day! Blessings to you and your many boys!!

May 4, 2011 at 11:22 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Joel and Jess-
Congrats on another precious boy! I remember similar feelings when our Luke was born. I can assure you that the special brotherly bond your two boys will share will bring you so much joy! I love watching Colt and Luke play, I love Luke's desire to do everything his "Bubby" does, I love how every morning I find them both snuggled up together in Luke's bed. I'm so glad they have eachother.
Praying your pregnancy continues to go well and for energy to keep up with Levi :) Little boys keep you moving for sure!

Lori Raile

May 5, 2011 at 12:19 AM  
Blogger Auntie Mip said...

You are a precious, humble, human being. With a heart. With feelings and failings. With desires and wishes. You are a perfect creation. I stand in awe of you. Jess, you have shown courage and faith beyond your years and a million mama's who have buried babies have has this exact experience and never felt they could share it. I know this. I am a pediatric oncology nurse.

I was also the little girl born to parents grieving the impending lossnof their only son who was dying of leukemia at the time...long before sonograms. Oh how my parents prayed and hoped for a little boy. Years later, while on a retreat, I was given a letter from my parents. It was an integral part of this retreat and the letters were called Palanca, a Native American word for love letter. In my Palanca my parents told me how loved I was. How I was exactly the baby they needed exactly when when they needed me. How they could never imagine life without me. How perfect God's plan was for their life. For my life. I treasure my Palanca just as you treasure and cherish Levi and little man #2.

You are human Jess.nnperfectly, wonderfully human. Just as God intended.

Congratulations on little man #2!!!

May 5, 2011 at 12:38 AM  
Blogger singing mama said...

Thank you for sharing your heart! I SO understand!!! When
We lost our little boy, I was sure my next pregnancy that I was pregnant with a boy, that God was giving us another little boy to cherish. I even bought blue and we were calling the bubba by the name we had chosen for a boy. When the ultrasound revealed we were in fact carrying a precious little GIRL , I was dumbfounded. As soon as the ultrasound was finished I bolted for the bathrooms and cried my eyes out. Of course I too felt that I should be so grateful for a healthy bubba, but my heart was still grieving for the boy (rose) whom we never got to hold.
Once our precious daughter was born I learnt more about the amazingness of Gods timing and how He truly knows what is best for us. 2 years later another pregnancy resulted in another gorgeous girl , another blessing I could not have fathomed and another 2 years on we are now pregnant with a BOY. I cannot wait to hold this little one in my arms. But I love my girls to pieces and everyday I marvel at Gods wisdom in giving them to us!
Luv Donna

May 5, 2011 at 5:54 AM  
Blogger Unknown said...

Yesterday was our sono...after having read you were having another boy I had a dream that we too were expecting a boy. When the sono tech said she didn't thinik she was going to be able to see, I was relieved. But when I came back from the bathroom and those boy parts were so easily displayed a lost it. I started bawling. The tech assured me I would get used to the idea, that she had two boys also. I'm glad I'm not the only one who felt grief about this. It will be a process. My husband has said that this is absolutely our last. So while I am praying for peace for myself I will add you in the prayers too! Honestly, when I saw your "its a boy" post, I was wondering how you dealt with the news. Thanks for sharing your heart.

May 5, 2011 at 6:34 AM  
Blogger meg said...

Oh my gosh -- your words rang so true with me. I've never experienced the loss of a child, so I definitely don't know the depth of emotions that you felt, but I too thought I was having a girl, wanted a girl, and then found out I was having a perfectly healthy little boy and I cried the whole way home. I felt ashamed but it was just honest emotion at the time. Anyway he's here now and my goodness, couldn't be more perfect if he tried. He's really everything I ever wanted, even when I didn't know it. So I just had to tell you that I understand (as much as I can without having the grieving along with it) what you felt. I've read your blog for a long time now and I don't think I've ever commented, but I just felt led to tell you that I wanted to cry, laugh or hug you or something as I read this!!! I can't wait to hear more about HIM :) and about your pregnancy.

May 5, 2011 at 6:40 AM  
Blogger Robert J. Nash said...

What came to mind when I read your post is that as you know God has a perfect plan for you, though extremely difficult for seasons. Maybe he knows it would be too hard to have a girl right now even though it is your heart's desire. Forgive me if I am being too personal or opinionated since I have never met you.

I know you are a good mommy and will continue to be. It is God's grace for you to find out now and process it maybe instead of finding out at birth and process with a newborn.

I really really think it is a completely normal reaction!

Praying for more peace and joy that I KNOW God will answer!

May 5, 2011 at 7:53 AM  
Blogger Sharon said...

Jess, we are not perfect people and I will admit that after following your blog for so long that I was hoping for a girl too. But I think those two little boys will be so fortunate to have you as their mom!

May 5, 2011 at 8:46 AM  
Blogger The Mershawn's said...

I can only imagine the kind of crazy emotions that come from missing someone so desperately. And, you should never think that people don't see your heart. It is transparent. God is good. Giving yourself completely up to Him is just hard. And that stinks.
I'm so happy for you guys. Enjoy that Mr. Levi & the experience of knowing the little guy that's on his way. Boys are too much fun:).

May 5, 2011 at 8:46 AM  
Blogger Sarah Johnson said...

Jess, I can totally relate to your feelings, in a slightly different way. Marleigh got cheated out of her twin sisiter. So when we found out we were pregnant, I wished first of all, to carry this pregnancy to term and have a healthy baby. But deep down, there was a part of me that wanted another girl so that Marleigh could experience the bond that only sisters share. There was some sadness (knowing this is our last child), that Marleigh will never know what it is like to have a sister, but I also know that God's plan is perfect. Don't be too hard on yourself. We've experienced the worst heartache imaginable and the grief will come and go. Take care and wishing you a great pregnancy.

May 5, 2011 at 9:04 AM  
Blogger Rozen said...

God is so good! We cannot even begin to grasp how infinite his love is for us!

Thank you so much for sharing....2 little boys will be so fun. :)

May 5, 2011 at 10:10 AM  
Blogger momma betchan said...

Thank you for sharing.
I have 3 healthy children.
I've never lost a child I've held in my arms.
But similarly, I have grieved over a healthy sonogram.
Its just part of who we are.
You are right God IS good and he meets the deisres of our hearts.
Take care and be kind to yourself.
Levi is precious.

May 5, 2011 at 12:16 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You continue to amaze me. As a pregnant woman I cried over anything and everything. Nothing was even wrong, and I still cried. You have every right to cry, and grieve and feel whatever you feel. You are an amazing woman, and continue to make me want to be better. Thank you for sharing and being so honest.

May 5, 2011 at 12:31 PM  
Anonymous Sue said...

I just love your heart- and I know He must, too. Your desire for a little girl seems so natural to me. I was hoping for one for you, too. You are right- God is good and His way is best- but I really hope that His way includes a daughter for you someday. I am the only "girl" in my house and, as much as I would've loved a daughter, it's a pretty special thing. Your boys will have one fantastic model of what a woman should be.

May 5, 2011 at 12:56 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I enjoy your comments every time I read them. You are honest and share your heart! So neat as you share scripture and what the Lord is teaching you. Don't put yourself down, it's only natural you would want a baby girl. Hugs and love to you.

May 5, 2011 at 1:31 PM  
Blogger Maria said...

I give you a lot of courage for being honest and expressing your feelings about wanting another little girl. But only God knows why He does what he does. Maybe He feels that it is too soon for another baby girl and it would be harder for you after she would be born. I have 2 boys(3 years and 8 months) and I am in love with them! I love how they interact with eachother and I can't wait to see them become the best of friends!!!

May 5, 2011 at 2:29 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

As a nurse, I want to tell you that I wouldn't have thought that you were just sad because you didn't get the baby girl news you wanted. With all that you have been through, I would have been more surprised not to see emotion on such an important day.

I bet the nurses and doctors you came in contact with saw a shining light of you being REAL and living IN the moment of the plan the Lord has for you.

May 5, 2011 at 2:36 PM  
Blogger PatC. said...

I thank you for your words. More than 21 years ago, I had a 5 1/2 year old daughter and was 2 weeks from delivery with our second child (following 2 miscarriages). I was certain beyond a doubt that this one was a boy; I just knew we were going to have a son. At the last ultrasound before sutures were removed from my cervix, the tech asked if I wanted to know what we were having. I said "we have a girl's name but no boy's name" and she said "don't worry about it." Like you I was in tears and found I had to mourn the son I thought I was carrying. We were, of course, thrilled with our second daughter. Again, thanks for letting me know I'm not alone in this journey.

May 5, 2011 at 4:37 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


Your words are beautiful. Your grief is completely understandable. I, myself have two boys that are close in age. When I found out the youngest was a boy, I cried too. I already had a daughter, but she was 11 at the time and hitting the time in her life where she was becoming very independant and "grown up". She had also always been more of a tom boy, she didn't like dresses and bows, etc... I longed for a little girl to play tea party and dress up with. I was overjoyed to welcome my healthy baby boy, but still regreted that I would not have another girl. It took a few months, but I can say now, I can't imagine my life any other way!! I don't miss the bows and ruffles anymore. I look forward to watching my boys grow and play together, and hopefully become life long best buddies. I know that your story is much different from mine, but I pray that the heaviness in your heart will lift as mine did as I watch my two sweet boys. And, if it doesn't, you can always keep trying for that little girl. :)

May 5, 2011 at 7:55 PM  
Blogger Brittany said...

Thank you for sharing your heart. I, too, have had a long desire for a daughter, even though the Lord has blessed me with two beautiful, amazing sons! I feel so grateful to be raising these little boys and love, love our time together. They are my heart and soul. However, my desire is to one day have a daughter to experience the mother-daughter relationship. I never had a sister, and now with two sons...I guess, I too, would like to just feel the sweetness of a girl. But, the Lord knows best and knows the plans for my life....and I'll never questions His goodness.

I have had 2 miscarriages, and I sometimes let my mind linger and wonder if those babies were my girls?

I love that you shared your sonogram story. Thank you for being so open and honest.

Congratulations on Levi's little's a incredible bond that will be a lifetime of sweetness.

Love, Brittany :)

May 5, 2011 at 9:49 PM  
Blogger BEx said...

Hi Jess, I have read through your blog recently, I have laughed and wept, you inspire me to keep going for God. Your honesty is wonderful, the way you share what goes on in your life. I am not yet a mother, but a big sister to my plentiful siblings. I know the joy a receiving a little one. May you, Joel and Levi be blessed by your new son, a precious bundle from God.

May 5, 2011 at 10:13 PM  
Blogger JenReece said...

Thanks for your openness. We all have our struggles and yours is absolutely normal and understandable. We can not always anticipate when grief will strike us. Congratulations on your precious baby boy!! Levi and this little guy are going to have an amazing relationship that you will love watching! I still pray for your family regularly and will be specific in my prayers for you tonight.

May 5, 2011 at 10:28 PM  
Blogger Tristen@blissfulchaos said...

I have followed your blog for about 18 months now and just want to say thank you for being so courageous and honest. You are truly an inspiration to all. I was so touched by this last post of the "real" story of your sonogram b/c of your complete honesty and "realness". I think what you are experiencing is totally normal, you should not feel ashamed for your emotions. God knows and feels that empty "piece" in your heart. Trust that He will fill that emptiness in one way or another...maybe you'll be blessed with another daughter(s) in the years to come, or maybe you'll feel that completeness watching the bond between your two boys. Either way, God has a much bigger plan and He will help comfort you. Thank you for sharing that post. I am sure there are many other mothers out there who have felt this same feeling during their sonograms for thousands of reasons. You put your raw emotions out there and you deserve such credit for that! God Bless you!

May 5, 2011 at 10:37 PM  
Blogger teresa said...

dear jess, may God bless your heart for being so vulnerable in this post. are you amazed at how many tears have been shed over this subject? God understands our hopes, our dreams, even our grief of our shattered dreams .... and He has the perfect plan for each one of us, the plan that will draw us closer to Him. i thank you for being a blessing to all of us. i will continue praying for you.

May 5, 2011 at 11:44 PM  
Blogger Jennifer said...

Aww, a great myth of motherhood, that we are all rejoicing when we find out our baby's gender. Of *course* you will be happy with another boy, of *course* you will love him more than you could imagine, but you are allowed to cry a bit too because, if you thought this baby was a little girl, you essentially lost another daughter that day. And just because you didn't really, just because he was boy from the very beginning.....that grief is very real and, I think, normal. I've cried on that table for the very same reason, regardless of the gender I was having, because I thought it was/wanted the other gender. In retrospect, I was grateful in those instances to find out the gender during pregnancy and have the gift of time to take my moment to grieve so that I could be wholeheartedly, and without reservation, excited upon their arrival. Hang in there mama! If we were all honest with each other like you have been with us, I think we'd find a TON of moms that were disappointed in the moment but no one would ever EVER question our love for the baby we were given.

May 6, 2011 at 12:59 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Joel is a wise man. God IS good. All the time. And knows exactly what you are feeling.


May 6, 2011 at 1:19 PM  
Blogger Maria said...

Brothers are a wonderful thing ... our boys are now ages 11 and 9 and the very best of friends. You will be blessed beyond measure. Congratulations!

May 6, 2011 at 1:22 PM  
Blogger Jasmine said...

Although I've never lost a child, I had a similar reaction to my second boy. We waited til his birth to find out the gender and I thought I'd be fine either way, regardless of if it was a girl or boy - but I was crying like crazy right after he was born, and I felt so guilty for that! I guess I just really thought he would be a girl. Of course I'm happy now, but I think that if we have a third, I want to find out the gender before he/she is born so that I'm not crying at the birth (in case it is a third boy)!

I am happy for you - you will love having 2 little boys :)

May 6, 2011 at 4:57 PM  
Blogger Nicole said...

Just wanted to let you know that of course we understand how you felt!! Boys are amazing (I actually consider myself a 'boy mom' bc I had a boy first) and we all know how much you love and cherish your sweet Levi but it's so understandable that you would want a little girl in your life again. I am praying for your heart as it has to continue to heal and re-heal...the wounds are deep. God is so honored in your honesty. Bless you for sharing your heart with us. And congrats again on brothers!!

May 6, 2011 at 6:33 PM  
Blogger Heather said...

Jess, U R AMAZING! I just love your honest heart. Thank you for sharing this and being so open. You are such a great example to follow of one who follows Jesus so well.

I love you!


May 6, 2011 at 6:45 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank you for being real. This is a tough issue.

I have twin boys who are 3 years old. I always thought I would have girls. Hubby is happy with 2 children but I would like to try 1 more time to see if we can have a girl. We are "infertile" and need IVF to get pregnant so it's not such an easy decision as it is for some people. Money is a big factor.

I may never get my girl so this post resonated with me. There is no pink in my house right now. It's all about trains and trucks. I love my boys fiercely but I long for a girl.

I trust in God. I believe you will have another girl in your family. Just not yet.

Congratulations on a healthy baby boy in utero!


May 6, 2011 at 10:35 PM  
Blogger Michelle said...

You are so brave to be so honest...thank you for sharing your heart with all of us. I have been reading your blog since your story with Cora began and I have sat at my computer and cried many tears while reading about your sweet Cora. Even today as I read your most recent post I was crying. I have never been in your situation so I can't imagine the emotions that hit you at times like that. We lost a baby almost 8 years ago and I still get hit with waves of emotions at very strange times. I'm so excited for your family and your new baby boy!! God bless you and your precious family.

May 7, 2011 at 8:01 AM  
Anonymous Ellen Dunaway said...

Jess, I've been reading your blog for a long time, but have never commented. When I first saw that you were having another boy my immediate thought was that I bet you longed to experience having a little girl in your home again. I would imagine that what you really long for is to have Cora AND her two brothers.

Thank you for sharing your heart so beautifully with your readers once again. No one doubts that you don't love your unborn son fiercely.

I've hesitated to mention this and pray that it doesn't seem insensitive. But, my personal experience has been one of being blessed with children both by birth and adoption. Children are wondrous, precious gifts regardless of how God chooses to bring them into your life.

In many cultures little girls are not as valued as sons and are even discarded at birth. Just as your heart longs for another daughter there are little girls who desperately need a loving mommy and daddy. I do not presume to know the will of God for your family, but adoption is a valid way to build or extend your family and often affords the opportunity to select the gender of your child. Just thought I'd throw that out there.

Your precious family is in my prayers! Can't wait to meet Cora and Levi's baby brother! Our family is excitedly awaiting the birth of another grandchild in early October, #9 for us. They're still debating finding out the gender.

May 7, 2011 at 9:23 AM  
Anonymous Tammi said...

I am a regular reader but have never commented before. I felt the same way when I found out my second child was a boy. I wanted that mother/daughter connection so bad. I was so ashamed because I sat and cried even though the sonogram showed another beautiful healthy little boy. But when he was born the joy was unbelievable and now my kids are 19 and 16 (and two more kids who came later who are 15 and 7). I loved watching my boys grow up together. The funny thing is, my second son is the sweetest kid in my family, kind, caring, and I can't imagine my family without him. There is a very special purpose for this little boy who's coming into your life! Its going to be so exciting for you guys to see what that is! Enjoy the ride! Boys are sooooo fun!!!

May 7, 2011 at 9:44 AM  
Blogger Shaun and Courtney said...

Thanks so much for your honesty, Jess. Yes, sometimes God's goodness is not what we expect, or even hope for. Praying for you as you continue to work through your feelings and welcome that sweet baby boy into your family.

May 8, 2011 at 1:09 AM  
Blogger Catherine Boozer said...

Jess, I too was dissapointed for you when I saw it was a boy. I know you want that connection with a daughter. Maybe it's still to come, God only knows!! In the meantime you'll be the best Mommy to your children!! Thank you for your honesty, and using your situation to help show others how to turn to God with their grief. You are an inspiration!!

May 8, 2011 at 3:51 PM  
Blogger Raising Koehns said...

There's so many emotions during this time, why not a few more on sono day? I always wanted a boy, but got 3 girls instead. I completely understand your feelings. Trust that this is what God wants. I know you'll love both of your boys with all your heart, just like I love all my girls. You never know... maybe there's a chance for #4... :o)


May 8, 2011 at 4:31 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am the mommy to 3 little girls and when I was pregnant with our 3rd, I was SO positive that I was going to have a boy. When we had the u/s and found out the sex, I had a similar breakdown after and felt the same emotions... You definitely are not alone!!

May 10, 2011 at 1:13 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I know there is always risk when you have the courage to be vulnerable and truthful. It seems to me the risk pays off largely for those reading your words. Thank you once again for letting others peek into your journey, as your words speak to many. It touches me deeply to once again watch the fierce love a mom has for her children. And as the mama of three boys all I can say is, "hold on!!" :) Love, Carrie M.

May 10, 2011 at 9:48 AM  
Anonymous molly said...

I am sorry I am just now commenting. Way too far behind on my blog reader!

I just wanted to say that your feelings are completely valid. I don't think there is a soul on this earth who would fault you for how you felt on this day.

I also wanted to let you know that I'm a mama to two boys born 21 months apart. It has been an amazing journey. Unlike others I never really had the strong desire to raise a daughter. I always wanted sons. But sometimes there is a pain in my heart knowing I won't get to have that special mother/daughter relationship (I'm pretty sure we're two and done).

But as you already know, God has a divine plan for your life and you never know what he has in store for you as a mother.

Congrats again!

May 10, 2011 at 10:32 PM  
Anonymous Jennifer O. Romeo and Mae said...

I just came across your blog today and read through your old posts. So sorry for your loss. And so happy that you are about to have two healthy little boys. I just wanted to share that I am due with my 5th on Sept. 27. I have a 14 yr old girl and 6, 5 & 2 yr old boys. I just found out this week that I'm having another boy. I desperately have wanted a little for the last three pregnancies. To say the least, I was heartbroken. LOVE my baby and wouldn't change him. But this is my last pregnancy so I am having a really hard time knowing that I will never have a girl with my husband. I too cried right after the ultrasound and in the doctors office. I felt bad about it but I also couldn't help it. I'm ecstatic that this baby is healthy. But there is heartache. Hopefully my loved ones will just understand where I'm coming from and don't make me feel bad for my feelings. Good luck in the rest of your pregnancy...thanks for listening. :)

May 14, 2011 at 6:04 PM  
Anonymous Ashley J. said...

What?! I've been following your blog for like a year, and I miss the preggie posts?! How on earth did that happen?

Congradulations! I had no idea you were pregnant! I've been wondering if you wanted another, that's so awesome!
Off to read the post now. Congrats mama!

May 16, 2011 at 5:12 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I thank you for writing about your true feelings and you have encouraged me through your writings. I too am a grieving mother and sometimes wonder if anyone else does this, burst into tears at odd times. Its nice to know and hear that others feel the same way. I miss my son dearly and I can relate to your bitter sweet moment.
Psalm 119:28

May 17, 2011 at 2:16 PM  
Blogger kris982 said...

I just found your blog through Breezy Acres Farm. I love all your creativity! As I looked at your blog, I was saddened to hear about your precious little girl. I am so glad you have God's comfort and strength in your life! She was so beautiful.
I can only imagine how you felt on this sono day! My sono tech asked something like, "What are you hoping for?".....well, I had a boy, so I wanted a girl....but that's kind of an akward question b/c then you feel stupid when she says it's a boy! Anyway, I have two sweet brothers who love each other so much! That day is so high on would be really hard not to cry! It's like you're holding your breath, and then it all comes out after you find out...even if you don't understand all of it. May God bless you and your growing family!!

May 21, 2011 at 1:24 AM  
Blogger Sher said...

You have nothing to be sorry for, Jess. I am touched and grateful that you shared your words. The folks at the sonogram did not see you as selfish, they saw you as a mom that has suffered the unimaginable. How could your emotions not be high!? I bet that cry did you & your husband good in the long run. It had to happen. It makes sense it happened when you found out something so very real about this new life coming into your home. You amaze me. Keep sharing. Keep taking those awesome pictures. Keep your creativity churning. Keep the faith. You help keep me going. Love from Minneapolis. MN not KS :)

May 29, 2011 at 8:01 AM  
Blogger Jennifer Zielke said...

I recently found your blog and I am SO grateful I did! Your relationship with Christ is inspiring and even in these first posts that I've read, I'm in awe of your wisdom! Your faith amidst trial is incredibly inspiring. Cora's story brought me to tears, from a heart ripping mother's point of view, but then rejoicing in all God has done and continues to do through His servant, Cora. Then I read this post and I feel like we have such kindred spirits! Soul sisters in a way! I wrote this blog post a few months ago when I found out I was having my THIRD boy!
So I share your heart...I LOVE my son Simon. I cried all night long, sobbed actually. Not because I didn't love my son, of course I did. But I was realizing that I wouldn't have a daughter (my plan) and was embracing God's plan for me. It has been here, right here in the center of His will for me that I have experienced ultimate joy. There are still tough moments but ultimately, I rest in His best. :)
Much love to your family!

June 4, 2011 at 10:51 PM  

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