The Macs

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

last day

I didn't think this day would ever come.
The day where I could say "I made it".
My last day of work.

Today I re-read what I wrote in my journal back in April when I started this new job:

"Today I started a new job. It is only part time, I think it will be okay. But, I HATED driving to Newton knowing that I was going back to work. I cried the whole way. I felt like my heart was being crushed into a million pieces all over again. Why can't I be a stay-at-home mom? Why can't I raise Cora? Why did God take Cora from me? Now, I am driving to an office to be a receptionist--to force me to get out of bed and get dressed, to make the time pass. Just for a little while. I thought my purpose was to be a mom. What is my purpose now?

Well, it did go okay. I put my brave face on and made it through the morning without crying. The people there were so kind and helpful--many of them I know already. There is so much to learn and I feel so overwhelmed. Just overwhelmed with life in general. My mind still feels "foggy". It is hard to concentrate. Lord, please give me the strength to make it through each day. Please, allow the time to pass quickly. Please, allow us to have more kids soon!"

When I started that job we were not expecting. I didn't know how long I would need to work before the Lord would bless us with another child and I could go back to the job I love SO much--being a mom. I was struggling with so many things. I think I literally felt like I was drowning in my grief.

A friend shared this translation of Philippians 4:13 with me last week.
I am strong for all things in the One who constantly infuses strength in me.

I loved looking back at that journal entry today. I felt like finishing work today was a little step forward. A little glimpse of light in the darkness. And as I read my words from back in April I could see how the Lord has been, and continues to, constantly infuse strength in me.

I am so thankful that I don't have to rely on my own strength.
I couldn't make it through this on my own.
I couldn't.

So today I am thankful for this little step forward.
I know there are still going to be many days of missing Cora.
Many days when I still can't stop the tears.
Many days when I feel like I am taking steps backwards again.
He will help me get through those days too.

Today I am going to just celebrate that "I made it". I can't tell you how much I am looking forward to the days of being a stay-at-home mom again. It is getting closer!


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yes, you made it! Wow, you are so close to welcoming your new little blessing. So happy for you!

September 29, 2009 at 11:54 PM  
Blogger Erica said...

wow. you are such an inspiration! your faith is amazing. may God continue to bless you!

September 30, 2009 at 12:05 AM  
Blogger Sarah said...

God has so many blessings in store for you, I faith in that for you!
Thanks for sharing this :)

September 30, 2009 at 12:11 AM  
Blogger Heather | Cookie Mondays said...

good for you, jess :)

September 30, 2009 at 12:12 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

So thrilled for you that you are one step closer to bringing home your new sweet baby!! Cora is still close to my heart and your family is always in my prayers. Continued strength, faith,and love to your family! God Bless!!

Summer in California

September 30, 2009 at 1:21 AM  
Blogger Candice said...

Yay, that's great. I will be praying for you and precious baby Mac.

September 30, 2009 at 2:49 AM  
Blogger Sue said...

Well done!! Enjoy the time off in preparation for your new baby. I'm so glad that you have this to look forward to in your life. As you know, I lost my husband when my baby was 6 weeks old and you have no idea how many difficult moments that child has carried me through. He's 5 now and the light of my life. Your faith is so encouraging. Hold on to that and you'll grow stronger with each passing day!!
Sending much love, Susan x

September 30, 2009 at 3:06 AM  
Blogger Sue said...

Well done!! Enjoy the time off in preparation for your new baby. I'm so glad that you have this to look forward to in your life. As you know, I lost my husband when my baby was 6 weeks old and you have no idea how many difficult moments that child has carried me through. He's 5 now and the light of my life. Your faith is so encouraging. Hold on to that and you'll grow stronger with each passing day!!
Sending much love, Susan x

September 30, 2009 at 3:10 AM  
Blogger kristin said...

God Bless you, Jess!

September 30, 2009 at 5:47 AM  
Blogger SouthernGalsBoutique said...

I'm so happy for you, that you will be able to be a SAHM... praying for you!

September 30, 2009 at 6:32 AM  
Blogger Julie said...

I thought of you first thing yesterday morning, knowing that the end of one job was coming. Thank you for sharing a piece of your heart and journey. Know that I am praying for you!

September 30, 2009 at 6:47 AM  
Blogger Lindsay said...

Still cheering you on and am continually inspired by your faith. Way to go!

September 30, 2009 at 6:53 AM  
Blogger Trasie Bressler said...

You are blessed beyond measure! God has so many wonderful things instore for you. I am a stay at home MOM too and I agree it is the most rewarding job I have ever had. Can't wait to see pictures of you holding that bundle of joy!

Many Many Blessings!

September 30, 2009 at 6:58 AM  
Blogger Immeasurably More Mama said...

It makes me so happy to hear that God is bringing you back to your heart's desire - to be a full-time mommy. You made it with His strength and grace!

September 30, 2009 at 6:59 AM  
Blogger hoosier68 said...

One day at a time....that is how I got through a horrible time in my life. Nothing ever changes the past but the future holds promise so you just get there one day at a time! Thinking of you each day.

September 30, 2009 at 7:01 AM  
Blogger Leah said...

Bless your heart! Thank you for posting this entry. Comparing my sitution to yours is not even closer, but, if I may, I relate so much to this post. Going to work has been such a struggle for me. I feel like I am drowning in the mourning of infertility and wanting to be in my dream job of staying at home raising my kiddos. God has a plan and I am holding onto the hope of that.

I am so happy that you will be returning to the job you love.

Many, many blessings to you!

September 30, 2009 at 7:09 AM  
Anonymous Toni :O) said...

Each and every day is a little bit of progress...slow and steady, stay the course...glad you are able to stop working again and have a beautiful baby to rest in your arms again to look forward to. Take some special time for yourself and get deserve it. Continuing to pray for you...hang in there. Hugs!

September 30, 2009 at 7:22 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are a warrior.. One step closer to holding baby Mac in your arms. Thinking of you everday.


September 30, 2009 at 7:30 AM  
Blogger Beckypdj said...

Congratulations on this milestone!

September 30, 2009 at 7:36 AM  
Blogger leel said...

you are a total warrior! keep the faith. congratulations!

September 30, 2009 at 7:59 AM  
Blogger Kristi REDISKE said...

What a Godly example you have been and I know it is because you He has given you the strength. Congratulations on being able to quit the job and get back home to prepare for the new arrival. I know you will still have alot of good and bad days-I cannot imagine what you have been through but I will keep praying for you and your husband.

September 30, 2009 at 8:14 AM  
Anonymous Robin in Benton said...

So happy for you! You get to be doing the "job" that you wanted again! Praying for you!

September 30, 2009 at 8:28 AM  
Blogger Shannon said...

Congratulations! You are an amazing mom, and I'm glad that you get to spend time again at home in preparation for your newest blessing!

September 30, 2009 at 8:52 AM  
Anonymous Audrey said...

I haven't been commenting, but I am still here reading! How wonderful God is! The playground is complete and how cute is your little baby belly? :)

I truly love that verse. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. It was the verse that got me through basic training...always popping up in places when I least expected it...and was most down in the dumps. I don't see it much anymore but He knows our hearts and minds and every so often, I still see that verse pop up out of the blue like He is reminding me that He is still there and always will be.

September 30, 2009 at 9:13 AM  
Blogger Emily said...

Yeah!!! Praising Him along with you! I loved seeing your baby belly in your recent pictures.

September 30, 2009 at 10:04 AM  
Blogger Lisa said...

You don't know me but I wanted you to know how much your strength and faith inspire me. Little Cora has touched thousands of lives in her short time here on earth. I can't imagine the pain and heartache you must feel. Your faith in Jesus makes me work harded at my own relationship with him. Thanks for putting yourself out there and letting me personally see what God can do in your life.

September 30, 2009 at 10:14 AM  
Blogger Tara said...

that's awesome! i pray that God continues to bless you!!! you're such an inspiration to so many! =)

September 30, 2009 at 10:58 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Many blessings to you!

September 30, 2009 at 12:22 PM  
Blogger dawn said...

Isn't it great to look back and be able to see how far you've come?? Not that it isn't still hard...but He has carried you through. Today our family marks 10 years since our little boy, Aidan went to be with Jesus. As you can imagine, we have lots to reflect on. God is faithful.

Thanks for posting that encouragement. You are a woman of faith!

September 30, 2009 at 1:09 PM  
Blogger Melanie @ Whimsical Creations said...

YAY you made it.


September 30, 2009 at 1:25 PM  
Blogger meg duerksen said...

i love you jess.

one week closer to new baby.
one stage closer to new baby.
it is just going to be here before you know it!

September 30, 2009 at 6:17 PM  
Anonymous Rebecca said...

We are celebrating this time with you and praising God for the "little step forward".
Hugs and prayers to you and Joel.

September 30, 2009 at 7:22 PM  
Blogger KK said...

You did it!

September 30, 2009 at 9:23 PM  
Blogger Melissa said...

Yay!! So glad you are done with your job and are just counting down and preparing for your baby!! How exciting.

September 30, 2009 at 10:44 PM  
Blogger Ashley said...

Praying tonight for God's blessings to pour out on you. You have such a sweet spirit, and my heart breaks for the grief you continue to carry with you. I'm so sorry that Cora is not in your arms, but rejoice with you that she is safe with Jesus. Thank you for sharing your journey with all of us so that we might be encouraged by your faith.

September 30, 2009 at 11:41 PM  
Blogger Amy Bell said...

i am so encouraged by your blog...i am amazed at the strength and grace the Lord has given to you..thank you for sharing your journey. it is truly an inspiration to me.

October 1, 2009 at 6:41 AM  
Blogger Lynn Jones said...

It is getting closer!! I was having a tough day and thinking of that really perked me up! Tender love will be a moment-by-moment experience before you know it.

October 1, 2009 at 3:40 PM  
Blogger texasinafrica said...


October 2, 2009 at 4:35 PM  

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