sometimes i wonder...
With Cora not being with us now,
there are so many times I find myself wondering.
Yesterday I thought about Cora so much as she would have been 18 months old. It is hard to even imagine her that old. It is hard to believe that much time has gone by.
I wonder what she would be doing as an 18 month old.
What new things would she be learning?
What words would she be saying?
What would be her favorite thing to eat?
Would her personality be more like her mama or daddy?
How long would her pretty brown hair be by now?
What would we be doing together during our days at home?
I wonder why Cora had to get sick.
Why did God choose to take Cora home so quickly?
Why didn't He heal Cora?
Why did He choose to draw us and others closer to Himself through Cora's death instead of through her healing?
I wonder what our lives would have looked like this fall if she was here and everything was still "normal".
I wonder what it is going to be like to welcome this new little one into our lives.
Will he/she look like Cora?
Will we feel like first time parents again?
Will it be hard to use Cora's baby things for this baby or will it be healing?
What will it be like to have our arms filled again?
Will it be easier to be around our friends kids again?
Will we always be overprotective parents because of what happened to Cora?
Today as we sang Jesus Loves Me in church.
I wondered why I was having to wipe away my tears because my heart was aching so intensely, instead of singing this sweet song with Cora in my arms.
I think many of these things I will always wonder.
I may never understand.
I will never fully comprehend God's ways.
But I know that when it comes to my relationship with God
and my future with Him,
I don't have to wonder.
I will never need to wonder about God's love for me.
I will never need to wonder how my story will end.
A friend told me awhile back that this part of my life is like a really bad chapter in a really good book. While I don't know what the rest of my story will hold, I can be confident about the ending. I know that the end of my story is so incredibly sweet that I can't even begin to imagine.
That is the TRUTH that keeps me going.
That is the TRUTH that I will never have to wonder about.
Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.
Hebrews 11:1
posted by the mcclenahans @ 3:46 PM
77 Comments:
it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel i'm sure, or even see any light at all! just know that there are many people praying for you right now, and whose hearts are so touched by Cora's precious life. i know i have been, immensely.
Such strength you still have. You and your family are still a huge inspiration! You are blessed.
What a beautiful post Jess. So much coming from your heart. Your healing has already begun. Stay strong. Life is still beautiful. And your new baby is indeed another chapter in the really good book that is your life.
I am so touched by your words and your spirit. I'm struck speechless by it.
Nate would have been 18 months old yesterday too. I feel the exact same way that you do. In fact, I wrote a similar post yesterday on my blog.
I often think of God like the wind. You can't see Him but you can feel Him. You can't see the wind but you can see the effect that the wind has on everything it touches.
I know that God is with me right now. I can't see Him. But I can feel Him. And, I can feel the effects He has as He works in and through people and circumstances around me.
Hugs!
Trisha
Bless your family, your household, and your amazing stronghold in our Lord as he gentley guides you into each new day. New blessings and happiness will unfold soon and while it doesn't loosen the ache inside, hold tight to every essence Cora was and still is to you. It has been said before, but the number of souls she has reached in her short little life is truly a gift. I wish I could lend a hug to you today.
What a moving post! I can't imagine the pain you must be going through. I think of your family all the time and pray for you daily!!!
You just spoke my heart when Dylan died. I wondered why on so may levels yet, I knew He was always with me. I wanted so badly for God to intervine and heal Dylan so that everyone could truly see that God does perform miracles. There were many times I was angry, hurt, every emotion you can imagine. We never put away anything of Dylan's and when our daughter Madylan Hope was born she used it all. It was hard on some levels but healing too.
Stay strong.
Love Courtney Mayfield
I wonder many of these same things but I know that no matter what God is good and He loves me more than I can fathom. The end of the story is one I look forward to very much.
what a great post! I don't know that I've commented before but I lift your family up every day.
This life on earth is so trying and it is so comforting to know that he is there cheering us on on holding us up. May God continue to bless you!
I can't imagine that you will ever stop wondering about Cora because she will always BE your daughter (not was). Much love for you guys as you are still healing and preparing for this wonderful new baby. Praying in TN, Mandy
I pray to have faith like yours. Thank you for your continued witness.
Thank you for sharing... the tenderness of your heart is amazing. God is using you in mighty ways!
hugs!
Oh Jess...you have a way with words. I can only pretend to understand and fully understand just how hard each and everyday is for you. I pray God will soon share your pain and that he will comfort you and Joel. I pray for Baby Mac....and your whole family as you try and move forward.
This comment has been removed by the author.
Praying for you always
I don't know how people face such intense tragedy without knowing God. I imagine it's quite enough of a nightmare with God at your side. What happened with Cora was terribly wrong, just as it is for hundreds of children the world over who are fighting the cancer battle. It makes no sense, and I think you're right that we will not be able to understand or explain it. I'm sad that you don't get to see Cora now, to experience life with your beloved child, with that precious piece of yourself who was growing into such a beautiful little person of her own. It's not fair, and it never will be. I'm so glad, though, that you do know the hope we have in Christ. I'm glad you know that, even though we can't possibly explain such horrible injustices as a sweet baby dying of cancer, God is good and God loves you.
--Kelley in GA
God bless you and strengthen you as He lovingly holds your wondering heart, with sufficient grace. May His comfort and your confidence im Him remain strong. Blessings upon you all in Jsus'name!
I'm so glad you've kept your perspective through such a diverse time. Still praying....
Sending you hugs and prayers!! Loving Cora with you!!
I know how you feel, if not exactly, at least a little. I look at my daughter each day and wonder what my first daughter would have been like at this age. I constantly wonder if she would have been quiet and calm or if she would have been crazy like she seemed in the womb! I wonder all of the time why God would take my daughter to be with Him before I got to meet her by allowing her to have this heart defect that is the same heart defect that is keeping another baby curriently alive! I don't wish my pain on that other baby, it just astounds me how my childs death sentence is another child's miracle! God is always going to be a wonder to us, and that promise is what gets us through these hard time! I am sure of it! The promise that I will one day stand in heaven on streets of gold, holding my baby's hand for the fist time is what helps me to continue on the journey God has planned for me here on Earth. Sending hugs your way from Wichita!
Lacie Hutchins
God Bless Your Heart!
I often wonder if I would be able to deal with something like this with the strength that you and Joel have. You are truly amazing, Jess. I thought that even before Cora was born, and every day since you have amazed me even more. I can't wait to see you with your arms full again. Hugs to you. :)
oh i just wish I could take some of your pain away and I don't even know you personally! But, through your blog and sharing your tragedy of losing your precious little Cora I feel like we do know each other. My heart truly aches for you that you will never hold your precious baby girl in this life but I hope that you have the knowledge and the faith that you will see her again and you will be able to sweep her up in your arms and you will never have to let her go. I have lost a child too and that thought is the only thing that kept me going in the beginning after losing her. I hope that this new baby brings into your life healing and a new hope, I know that having my second child was filled with fears but through prayer they quickly subsided as soon as I got to hold him in my arms and realized that he was here and he was mine to have and to raise. I often think that he was sent here to heal my broken heart, my hope is that you feel the same way with your new arrival! I wish you nothing but peace and happiness Lord knows you deserve it!
We have never met, yet I feel like I know you. I was lead to your blog from a friend when Cora was in the hospital. SOOOO many prayers were lifted up... and I too struggle to understand why Cora was not healed on earth...I struggle with understanding why we aren't getting pregnant and why God has not healed my mom of cancer and why can't she be a grandma... her ultimate wish. All I know is God is good and He wipes away every tear and kisses us with the wind and I just try to hold onto that each day. I admire you for being so real and authentic. Know you are in MANY people's prayers and so many people are celebrating this new precious life that will be here before you know it.
Sometimes I wonder, like you, how God could take such an amazing person and make her go through so much pain. You are His light. God bless you, with tears streaming down my face. I wish I could give you a big fat hug.
Thank you for sharing your heart and soul.
Sweet girl, God knows all your thoughts and questions, and if they're not answered on this side of eternity, just have hope that they will be on the other side!!
Woah--hard questions! I wonder about all of those for you, too. Sure love you guys and am so thankful for those glorious things you don't have to wonder about!
Really beautiful. You are still in my prayers. Cora wasn't mine and yet my heart aches for her to still be with you. I pray for the newest little Mac and that you will know nothing but joy.
Jess,
Are are far wiser than your years....your strength and your faith are incredible. I am experiencing the death of my grandma this weekend and while my cousin was their to say her final goodbyes, she developed a head ache and an MRI there showed she had a bleeding brain aneurysm! How much more tradgic could it get? My aunt is recovering from surgery to clamp the aneurysm and my grandma is in heaven! I read your post tonight and I felt such comfort....like my grandma, my final page in my book will be the eteranl life that I so long to live for. I pray for you everyday that God may bless your lives with a healthy baby again...I know that Cora is looking down and smiling because she had you as a mommy! YOU ARE AMAZING!
Oh Jess.. you are so wise, and yet you manage to comfort us while yuor own pain is so great. So many of us have been given the chance to know your family, and I am truly sorry for your loss, & your aching hearts. Please know we are all praying for you. Your friend indeed captured the essence of your life right now..<3
Today I went to Sunday School for the first time in a really long time because of a toddler that I never put in child care of Sunday School. The lesson I sat in on was about hope, the middle child of the Bible (faith, hope, and love...). So much of what was said made me think of you all. Without hope we really have nothing. It's all so connected, I know. But to me, hope is, well, life-giving. I think that it is more than okay that you have all those questions. And your knowing that you won't know the answers here but still trusting God and leaning on Him, believing His word that He loves and will carry you through to the amazing end where all things will be made new...that is powerful. I pray for constant healing and for His presence in your lives to be so real that it's tangible. Praise Him for your children!
i love how your friend put it. . . it's like a really bad chapter of a really good book. so true!!
take care and press on! we're praying for you!
I had a miscarriage fairly early. Two others as well. I focus most on the first one. She would be over 3 now & i think many of the same things you voice here. Of course, i never got to hold ours, & we have not been blessed with a successful pregnancy since then.
It seems God is calling us to childlessness here. And that is hard.
I rejoice for you that some of your questions will be answered in a few months. I pray that God give you peace thru this time & that coming. :)
Such a beautiful post from your beautiful mother-heart...
Praying for you, still...
And...so glad that you know the end of the story...and find comfort and peace and assurance in that beautiful truth...
That was heartbreakingly beautiful. I'm so, so sorry for your loss.
beautiful passage- your new baby will love reading this blog one day!
What a beautiful post. You are such an inspiration, and so much in my prayers!
Your heartache is very moving. I just wish life was fair. Cora is daily in my thoughts, as are you and Joel. I wish I knew why any of us had to suffer, some so much more than others...I'm glad you seem to have some of the answers, some of us are much more in the dark and couldn't stand through the storm you are braving. I'm going to hug my daughter again now...
Your words express such love, pain, and faith. Thank you for being so forthcoming of your feelings, such a witness of God's unfailing love...
I just blogged about an old song we sang in church yesterday, "Something Beautiful." After reading your post, I realized that this song wasn't just for me, but for all of us.
Something beautiful, something good
All my confusion He understood
All I had to offer Him was brokenness and strife
But he made something beautiful of my life
If there ever were dreams
That were lofty and noble
They were my dreams at the start
And hope for life’s best were the hopes
That I harbor down deep in my heart
But my dreams turned to ashes
And my castles all crumbled, my fortune turned to loss
So I wrapped it all in the rags of life
And laid it at the cross.
I wonder, too.
I like the analogy of a bad chapter in a good book.
Your book...your story...touches so many.
I can not wait for your arms to be filled once again...
much love and God Bless
Do you feel overwhelmed about the prospect of writing a book? As you continue on this journey and maintain and document your honest faith, it seems that a permanent record of this could be beneficial to many people. Your life experience, although incredibly sad and unique , ultimately is experienced by most people to some degree. It would be good to have a record of your story to share with friends who go through loss and who face the hard questions. Do not rule out the possibility of a project such as compiling your memoirs and thoughts into a book.
we continue to pray for you
some friends from Kansas
http://courtneyblackwell.blogspot.com/2009/09/i-will-carry-you-there-were-photographs.html#links
I am so very sorry that you have to have all of these what if's instead of your baby girl. I pray that Heavenly Father will continue to bless you with healing and comfort.
Ummm...I've thought and thought about telling you about this family and I didn't want to and kinda still don't but finally decided if it were me I'd want to know. There's a family at www.maxeyweb.com who's first baby girl died of cancer and who's third (also a girl) also has cancer (neuroblastoma along with another kind). The reason I tell you this is not to make you worry but because they found a genetic link between the two (chromosome 22 I think) and I figured if there was a way to test your baby it might give you comfort about the future....Please don't hate me for telling you. Anyway, I hope this helps and in no way hurts. I still pray for your family daily and will continue to do so...
Praying for you...
Thank you for your honesty and amazing words. I think of you and Joel so often, and I am praying for you today.
the wisdom through your pain this year is really incredible jess. you know more than most people twice your age....i think.
you are a strong woman.
in christ you are strong.
Here is the specific post about the Chromosome 22 abnormality...
http://www.maxeyweb.com/?p=320
A couple years back, my brother in law passed away from his four year battle with cancer. He was 21 when diagnosed and of course we all were left to ask why. Luckily, he was old enough to voice his thoughts and let us know it was ok and when he passed on, we knew he was in a better place. We were still left to ask why? Why such a good person- why take someone who exemplified a Godly life on a daily basis when so many do not? Sitting at the hair dressers one day with my sister in law talking about our upcoming weddings, she asked if the first husband was someone we didn't like (she'd assumed it was a divorce since my sis in law is so young) and at the moment we finally had our perfect answer- "No, but God loved him more." So just realize as much love as you had for Cora, God loved her more (amazing to think that much love can exist).
I have been a long time reader of your blog from when Cora first got sick...haven't commented in a while, still reading and wanted to tell you that this post was just so beautiful. I can not imagine what it feels like to feel the way you are right now...but know that so many people are praying for you and your family!
I think to keep Cora's memory alive, you will always 'wonder' year after year...I think its totally normal! I know my aunt lost a child at 3 years old to neuroblastoma and that's been over 16 years and she still talks about her like she was still alive and how she would be going off to college right now...so continue to always wonder about your sweet girl... ((HUGS!!))
Mommy from Indiana
My heart just aches for you. It aches and aches and aches. I don't know you, probably will never meet you, but I just hurt for you. At the same time, I am positively awed by you... that you are able to conduct yourself with such grace and optimism and perseverence. Your new little one is so lucky to have such a strong mommy. You all are in my prayers.
Mary
your words have so much love for all.
my heart aches with you.....
love and prayers from our home in Canada to yours!
Everything you've said, SO true. I am praying all the time for you and your family. I hope that when you hold little Baby Mac your heart is just filled with joy.
On a side note, I bought a burp cloth from you on Etsy. I recently brought it with me to my husband's cousin's baby shower. No one in his family is a believer. They were all really impressed with the burp cloth (Lemon and polka dots!) and wanted to know where I got it. It gave me such a wonderful opportunity to witness to them, using Cora's story. I am a shy person, and I was so very grateful for the opportunity to speak to them so openly about our Savior's love. Cora continues to bring people to Jesus, even as we speak! God bless you.
Ashley in Phoenix
thank you for sharing...
Thanks for sharing this. I love how you shared the thought of this being a really bad chapter in a good book that you know will have a sweet ending. We all have hard chapters, to differing degrees or experiences, and that is a sweet way to see them in the bigger picture of God's story. I can only imagine how much you still long for Cora. Thank you for being real about your journey. Your family has touched so many lives, even though this ending to Cora's story wasn't the one you had hoped and prayed for.
There is a song by Geoff Moore that talks about the ultimate healing being heaven. We prayed for our first born for 7 years to be healed. She was "ultimately healed" at age 7 1/2.
I thought we should have prayed more for ourselves to cope! Thank you for sharing your thoughts. May God continue to use you in mighty ways.
"I will praise you in the storm" - you are truly a testimony to this! Thank you for being so honest-when I read your posts there are times I cannot believe you are writing what you are writing- it just seems so painful. But then I remember that this is a healing place or at least a place of comfort. You have such a support network here and you are truly an inspiration to all of us! I am so grateful that you have such a great family of believers near you at your church to give you "real" hugs- since I am far away I am sending you a virtual hug! {{{hug}}}- Grace and peace to you and your family!
Jess, I wish I knew you, so I could give you a big hug today. I'm sad that we still cry for the 2 of you, but I know that you are completely right. Your story is not over & the sweetest & best is yet to come. You will know who God made Cora to be, just not yet. I know how hard that would be for me to swallow, but I believe one day, that sweet baby will be yours to raise again...in perfection. Keep hanging on. You will find more healing, you will.... still praying for you all!
Your postings and your faith are amazing. You are such an inspiration.
beautiful and heartfelt post....
(((hugs))))
Your post is so moving and such a testimony to your faith. I've looked at pictures of your sweet Cora and wondered why God had to choose to take her - or any other child - why children have to go through disease or even worse abuse. I know from reading your blog and the comments that Cora's life has touched so many and that your shining faith has been an example for all of us to follow. I am glad that God has blessed you with the new life that is growing inside you and am praying that the remaining chapters in the book in your life are really really good ones. Bless you
I've been wondering about some similar questions about my sweet Noah. I just try to imagine him playing with all the other children in Heaven...perhaps he has met your sweet Cora! :o) Our hearts will ache for only a blink of an eye compared to the joy we will know for eternity.
You are strangers to me and my family, but I found your dresses and then your story. I know you get so weary (only because I have watched my twin sister lose her daughter and granddaughter in a horrible car crash), and I have heard her say that she can be doing pretty well and then a comment, song, flower, piece of clothing, rerun on TV, etc., can reopen the floodgates. I do know that she has completely lean upon God and her faith are you both are.
I checked in today to see if there were any dresses posted (yes, I am still in pursuit!) and when I sensed your pain felt rather foolish for being disappointed in no listing. What a small disappointment compared to what you are feeling. Prayers for your continued healing, and I still believe that much healing will come through the little one you now carry ...Blessings, Gale
its rough to not know. I see girls my daughter's age and it kills me..but it wasn't meant for us to know on this earth..It seems as though you have made a huge impact by sharing your "story" with so many..I know its helped me to know that others are trusting God who have gone through the loss of their children.. Because for me it is so hard sometimes to just "be still".. beautiful post!
your strength is SO inspiring!!!!
you're in my prayers!
melissa
You are AMAZING and have wisdom beyond your years. Thank you for sharing your beautiful heart and your unwavering faith. I continue to shed tears for your sweet Cora every time I read your blog. I don't know how you keep going and stay so positive, but know that you are an inspiration and such a good example of what a mother, wife and Christian should strive to be. You are in my heart and in my prayers.
This post make me want to cry I know how bad yall wish she was with y'all and so do we but like you said god has his ways
I found your blog awhile ago and have commented before. My little girl was born on the same day as your sweet Cora and I have often thought how hard it would be to walk in your shoes. I wish I'd found this blog and could see pictures of her growing and learning. I'm so sorry for your loss. I can only say that I truly believe you will see her again in Heaven, and that God doesn't want you all to be sad and to suffer. I never think that our sadness and pain is part of God's plan, rather that the healing and love that Heaven will bring is. Cora is safe and healed with Jesus, you'll see her again and there will not be the pain of loss!
THAT is amazingly Wonder-FULL! Thank you for sharing that... i love it, absolutely LOVE IT! God is WONDERFUL!
Well said! There are no words for me except what strength and courage you continue to show to us all!
I know you must grow tired of being an inspriation or hearing about it but you really are. I can't imagine aching any more than I do reading about Cora. I am always touched by your posts and hug my girls tighter.
I've been following your journey for some time now, but this is the first time I've posted anything. I actually live close to Banff, Alberta. I just wanted to say thank you for your honesty and openness as you continue to go through such a difficult time. I really loved this last post and your surety in our Savior. Sometimes we hit rock bottom, but we hit the Rock. I have been praying for you and will continue to do so. Pamela
...something wonderful and precious happened in this broken world because of cora...i do not know what that is...i will never know on this earth...but there is someone whose soul was saved by this sweet child...and by your blog...and by your faith...someone believes today...because cora lived...and because her parents still believed when she died ...may God fill your hearts...as He fills your arms once more..
My heart aches for you when I read your words sometimes. I can't ever imagine the pain that you must go thru on a daily basis and I hope to God I never have to. Everything is still so new. It's been such a short time since Cora's passing. I had a friend whose baby died in-utero, unexplicably, right before her due date. They went on to have another baby right away and then two more after that. The pain never goes away but it kind of gets tucked away a little bit as time passes. Time is the only thing that eases pain. There are no words or actions to make pain heal any quicker. I've learned thru lots of major losses in the last six years that our loved ones who have passed are always here with us and that there is such an incredibly thin veil that seperates us from them. That is what I find to be the most comforting. Take care and God bless. : )
~ Wendy
http://Crickleberrycottage.blogspot.com/
i know i don't know you guys, but i just love your love for god and how you choose to glorify him in all things...praise god for cora's life and how she has soooo touched so mahy lives. praying for strength and peace and joy for you in this new life and new journey.
Just found your blog through another blog... I am so so incredibly sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine that pain and I am just so sad for you and your family that you had to go through it. Praise God for that precious baby on the way. :) May God continue to bless you and heal you during this time. :) You have amazing strength and courage...
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