sometimes i wonder...
With Cora not being with us now,
there are so many times I find myself wondering.
Yesterday I thought about Cora so much as she would have been 18 months old. It is hard to even imagine her that old. It is hard to believe that much time has gone by.
I wonder what she would be doing as an 18 month old.
What new things would she be learning?
What words would she be saying?
What would be her favorite thing to eat?
Would her personality be more like her mama or daddy?
How long would her pretty brown hair be by now?
What would we be doing together during our days at home?
I wonder why Cora had to get sick.
Why did God choose to take Cora home so quickly?
Why didn't He heal Cora?
Why did He choose to draw us and others closer to Himself through Cora's death instead of through her healing?
I wonder what our lives would have looked like this fall if she was here and everything was still "normal".
I wonder what it is going to be like to welcome this new little one into our lives.
Will he/she look like Cora?
Will we feel like first time parents again?
Will it be hard to use Cora's baby things for this baby or will it be healing?
What will it be like to have our arms filled again?
Will it be easier to be around our friends kids again?
Will we always be overprotective parents because of what happened to Cora?
Today as we sang Jesus Loves Me in church.
I wondered why I was having to wipe away my tears because my heart was aching so intensely, instead of singing this sweet song with Cora in my arms.
I think many of these things I will always wonder.
I may never understand.
I will never fully comprehend God's ways.
But I know that when it comes to my relationship with God
and my future with Him,
I don't have to wonder.
I will never need to wonder about God's love for me.
I will never need to wonder how my story will end.
A friend told me awhile back that this part of my life is like a really bad chapter in a really good book. While I don't know what the rest of my story will hold, I can be confident about the ending. I know that the end of my story is so incredibly sweet that I can't even begin to imagine.
That is the TRUTH that keeps me going.
That is the TRUTH that I will never have to wonder about.
Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.