I didn't think this day would ever come.
The day where I could say "I made it".
My last day of work.
Today I re-read what I wrote in my journal back in April when I started this new job:
"Today I started a new job. It is only part time, I think it will be okay. But, I HATED driving to Newton knowing that I was going back to work. I cried the whole way. I felt like my heart was being crushed into a million pieces all over again. Why can't I be a stay-at-home mom? Why can't I raise Cora? Why did God take Cora from me? Now, I am driving to an office to be a receptionist--to force me to get out of bed and get dressed, to make the time pass. Just for a little while. I thought my purpose was to be a mom. What is my purpose now?
Well, it did go okay. I put my brave face on and made it through the morning without crying. The people there were so kind and helpful--many of them I know already. There is so much to learn and I feel so overwhelmed. Just overwhelmed with life in general. My mind still feels "foggy". It is hard to concentrate. Lord, please give me the strength to make it through each day. Please, allow the time to pass quickly. Please, allow us to have more kids soon!"
When I started that job we were not expecting. I didn't know how long I would need to work before the Lord would bless us with another child and I could go back to the job I love SO much--being a mom. I was struggling with so many things. I think I literally felt like I was drowning in my grief.
A friend shared this translation of Philippians 4:13 with me last week.
I am strong for all things in the One who constantly infuses strength in me.
I loved looking back at that journal entry today. I felt like finishing work today was a little step forward. A little glimpse of light in the darkness. And as I read my words from back in April I could see how the Lord has been, and continues to, constantly infuse strength in me.
I am so thankful that I don't have to rely on my own strength.
I couldn't make it through this on my own.
So today I am thankful for this little step forward.
I know there are still going to be many days of missing Cora.
Many days when I still can't stop the tears.
Many days when I feel like I am taking steps backwards again.
He will help me get through those days too.
Today I am going to just celebrate that "I made it". I can't tell you how much I am looking forward to the days of being a stay-at-home mom again. It is getting closer!