the best job EVER
Being a mom is by far the best "job" I have ever had.
Before Cora was born I was a kindergarten teacher. I taught for four years. I loved being a teacher. I loved working with kids everyday. But, when I became a mom there was just no job like it.
I resigned from teaching in May. I went back to work for three weeks to finish out the school year. I knew I could do it for only three weeks. But even for such a short time I hated being away from my baby.
I LOVED being a stay-at-home mom. I have always wanted to stay home with my kids. Joel and I had planned on making it work so that I could stay home when we had kids. It was something that was important to us. I loved being with Cora and experiencing all the daily routines together. I loved watching her grow and learning new things. I loved being there for all of her "firsts". It was amazing! I loved telling Joel about our day--no matter how uneventful it really was. I loved being a part of a mom's group at church and joining a Bible study with other young moms. Of course I had my days and moments when I needed to get out of the house or needed a break. After all, I am human. But really, I loved it!
I think that is why I am having such a hard time transitioning to this "new job".
I had thought about teaching again or working with kids in some way. I loved it before. But, I just wasn't ready to make that commitment yet. I wasn't sure I was even ready to be around kids all the time. I prayed a lot about it. I prayed that the Lord would make it really clear to me if I was supposed to work again. I didn't really want to work, but I wondered if it would be good for me. About two weeks after I started praying about it an opportunity pretty much fell into my lap. It wasn't working with kids or like any other job I had ever had. I was so hesitant, but Joel and I felt like that was what I was supposed to do--for now. So, four weeks ago I started working part time. This is my fourth week to be back to work. I am working three half-days doing receptionist type stuff. I work with wonderful people. I know a lot of them which is so nice. They know that my life is not "normal".
Even after praying through this and taking the job I REALLY wrestled with God. Especially the first week. I started questioning. Why? Why would God want me to work in an office instead of be a stay-at-home mom? Why would God take my daughter away from me? Why?
You know that job that I described earlier? Being a stay-at-home mom. THAT is the job that I want to be doing. Being Cora's mom and staying home was part of my plan. Losing her and going back to work was not part of my plan.
Sometime I get to the point when I am so frustrated with my emotions. The point when my heart fills so full of despair because of what has happened. The point when I struggle to understand how such a horrible thing could be part of God's loving plan for my life. That is when I have to fall back on what I know about my Lord. Who He is and what I know to be true about Him and His character. He does love me--more than I could ever comprehend (Romans 5:8). Losing Cora was part of his plan for my life, even though I don't understand. And He promises in all things to work for the good of those who love Him (Romans 8:28). He promises to make ALL things new (Revelation 21:5). He promises me a HOPE and a future (Jeremiah 29:11). And he promises to walk beside me and comfort me along the way (Psalm 23:4). How great is our God! (2 Samuel 7:22)
I am trying to take this new job, just like everything else, day-by-day. I am praying that the Lord will help me to be content with where I am at. To take this time to grow closer to Him and listen to His voice. And I am praying that He will bless us with more kids some day...
...so that I can go back to that job that I love so much.
You can't beat being a mom!