The Macs

Sunday, April 4, 2010

everything is different

I wasn't expecting Easter to be so hard this year.
We already made it through the first Easter without Cora.
Levi is here this year.
I told myself it would get better.
But I was wrong.
This week leading up to Easter has been really hard.
I am missing my little girl.

I went shopping this week to find an Easter outfit for Levi.
Mental note: 
Avoid shopping in the spring.
The little girl dresses are so stinkin' cute.
They will make you sad.
They will make you miss Cora.
You will probably cry in the middle of the store.
And then you will have to quickly walk away
because people are staring at you.

Let's just say that I might have picked up a pair of baby Easter shoes
that looked like some that Cora had and started crying.
I did.
Right in the middle of Target.
Joel told me that I need to stop looking.
But I can't help it.
Why do silly things like that make me so sad?

So as I've been feeling a little blue this week,
I have also been thinking about how thankful I am
for what Easter really means.
Easter means that everything is different.
And it is not because of the eggs and bunnies and darling little dresses.
It is different because of what Christ has done for us.
It is different because He LIVES!

I loooove this song.
I have been listening to it over and over again this week.
Blaring it through my house.
And while I am sure that there will be some tears today,
I am thankful that He promises to one day turn
my weeping into joyful noise!



Happy Easter!

Oh, and if you are wondering...
I did find something for Levi to wear.
I promise I will refrain from putting him in a dress.
And he will still be just as cute as all the little girls!

39 Comments:

Anonymous Val said...

You are amazing. I love how much you love the Lord. Happy Easter.

April 4, 2010 at 9:58 AM  
Blogger Kristi REDISKE said...

Happy Easter-I have had you on my mind all week-I know the Lord would put it there so I could pray for you. I wondered myself if it would be hard for you again-I figured it would-but this is a joyous day because the Lord has Risen-and He is good and He will supply our needs. I will keep praying for you.

April 4, 2010 at 10:07 AM  
OpenID mymessylife said...

As I read this I'm holding our 6 month old son while downstairs my husband and daughter were singing this exact song. Hope calls it "our jumpin song"...my heart is praying for you today over the ongoing loss of Cora and rejoicing in the sacrafice of Jesus. My mama's heart just hurts with you and I'm so sorry for what your family has gone through! Thank you so much though for walking through it with Him and for being such an incredible testimony. Prayers for you and your family today!!!

April 4, 2010 at 10:59 AM  
Blogger Beki - TheRustedChain said...

I actually thought of you numerous times in the store recently when I saw all the cute little girl things.

Cora is rejoicing in Heaven today. Maybe even wearing hot pink and green, while wearing a big bow or flower in her hair.

God bless you Jess!

April 4, 2010 at 11:41 AM  
Blogger nate said...

i listened to that song this morning as i was getting ready before church! and was thinking of you guys during worship today!

how great it truly is that the resurrection of Jesus is the first sign of God's great reversal of the curse of sin and death forever.

Blessed Easter to all three of you!

April 4, 2010 at 11:54 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You bring a reality to life that is amazing. You are honest with your thoughts and feelings...this in turn makes us feel that we can be honest. Thank you for sharing your grief and your happiness with us.

It is OK to miss Cora, especially on a day such as today. Embrace the day! Blessings to you and your family as you celebrate Levi's first Easter!

Prayers out to you...

Evelyn in Newport News...

April 4, 2010 at 12:29 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well, I cried when I dropped my little boy off at the nursery this morning. He just cried and cried and didn't want me to leave him. I cried too. That is embarassing. Everyone is dressed so cute dropping off their little girls in their dresses and the boys in their suits. And here we are-- my son and I boo-hooing outside the nursery!

April 4, 2010 at 2:06 PM  
Blogger Brooke said...

I can't imagine. I am in tears as I type this message to you. Easter is not about bunnies and dresses, but it is hard when you lost someone so dear to you. Christ is the reason and He has risen. I am praying for you as always. Happy Easter.
Brooke

April 4, 2010 at 2:43 PM  
Blogger Kim said...

I can just imagine how hard it has to be for you. Let yourself have your moments though, even if it is in the middle of Target. Keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers. Hope little Levi is enjoying his first Easter!

April 4, 2010 at 2:57 PM  
Blogger Christina said...

Oh my...I hope that you know that it is okay for you to be sad. The Lord will carry you through every emotion you have, he always has his hands around you, beneath you, over you. I heard along the way that it is not that God carries us, holds us up through the difficult times. The fact is that he is carrying us all the time. I pray that when you find yourself in the valley that you will be able to look up and find Him again, and again, and again. I, too, am grateful for the hope we have in the risen Lord Jesus Christ! Blessings and comfort and peace for your family.

April 4, 2010 at 3:14 PM  
Blogger The Frisco Russells said...

Bless your heart I'm so sure this is another tough season but how sweet it is that Cora is celebrating this precious day with our Savior!! And thank the LORD that you have sweet Levi to celebrate wit hthis year :) Great SONG too!!! I went to highschool with Shane B and he is amazing!! :)

April 4, 2010 at 3:20 PM  
Blogger Betsy & Kurt said...

I had a very similar moment while shopping at the mall the other day... spring and summer little girl clothes are SO cute, I used to look every year even before I had a daughter. I do it almost automatically and it's so painful.

I hope you have a wonderful Easter Sunday. :)

April 4, 2010 at 3:51 PM  
Blogger meg duerksen said...

love that song.
i wish i could picked up levi today and given him squishy neck kisses. he was too adorable.

our feelings catch us off guard...even in target.

April 4, 2010 at 6:20 PM  
Blogger Lauren Thomas said...

One of the great things about Easter is that because Jesus rose from the grave, it's a promise that you WILL see your Cora again one day!

April 4, 2010 at 6:21 PM  
Blogger Stephanie said...

This is my first Easter without my little girl, Ella. I did exactly the same thing as you. I had a complete breakdown in the middle of the Easter aisle at Target yesterday. I saw the cutest pink basket that I know Ella would've loved. And she is not here for me to be able to buy it for her. I have a son too and I love him to pieces. But I can't paint his fingernails, buy him sweet dresses or do the things that loved to do with Ella. You are not alone in your feelings, I am there too. But we both so lucky to have amazing friends, family and God to look to. But its still so difficult. I will be thinking of you and praying for you today. I'd like to think that Cora and Ella are having the best celebration today, together with Jesus.

April 4, 2010 at 6:33 PM  
Blogger merlin said...

Grief has no ending, it is a journey, much like a river carving its way, sometimes with sharp edges, sometimes smooth, sometimes if flows quiet and calm and other times it rages and bubbles maybe even surging over the protective banks and a river is unpredictable even with a long history.

You, so love your Cora, she is your precious daughter and your tears are your testimony of your deep love for her, be grateful for each tear that falls. I suffered a loss nearly 20 years ago and still spontaneously the tears will come and I rejoice that the love is still there, not forgotten, but treasured.

Happy Easter, may the promise of this season bring comfort.

April 4, 2010 at 6:47 PM  
Blogger twolittletots said...

Happy Easter! I hope you had a great day and enjoyed little Levi!

April 4, 2010 at 8:23 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ah Momma my heart aches for you. and you do continue to inspire me so with your faith!
Maybe we could see a picture of little Levi in his outfit :)

April 4, 2010 at 8:40 PM  
Blogger mary said...

Need a pic of Levi's outfit!!! :-) Praying for you!

April 4, 2010 at 8:57 PM  
Blogger Allen and Debby Graber said...

Levi was adorable this morning - just as cute as the girls!!! He is just so huggable!

I broke down in Dillons this week. Ran into Caryn H. and she asked how I was doing and that did it. The bakery people were staring. And people coming into the store. Oh well. Grief happens at the oddest times.

April 4, 2010 at 9:22 PM  
Blogger Heather said...

Jess,

I was thinking of you today and thought I would just read your blog real quick to see if you posted anything about this day. I am so sorry! Praying for you tonight.

Love love
Heather

April 4, 2010 at 9:28 PM  
Blogger audrey enloe said...

Praying for you! I love Shane and Shane! They are on staff at my church and we get to hear them every week when they are not on tour! Very nice guys and lovely voices!

April 4, 2010 at 11:15 PM  
Blogger Melissa Joy said...

Thank you for your beautiful honesty. And for always proclaiming the Gospel with your words *and* with your life.
My hubby and I were both in tears this morning at church, bittersweet tears of grief & thankfulness. Confident that the meaning of Resurrection Day is sooooo beautiful, especially for those of us who have children in heaven.
I have five children dancing with Cora, and I admit that I did weep in the car on the way home from church because of the [silly reason] pretty dresses, hats, gloves, purses, & curls that adorned the girls at church today.
But I will say that my son was as handsome as handsome could be, right down to his socks. :)
I am continuing to pray for you.
The Lord is risen, indeed!
He has conquered death!!
Praise the Lord!!
(tears.....)

April 4, 2010 at 11:46 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I had never thought about it before, but it just popped out at me when I read "He LIVES" in this post of yours -- I LOVE that an anagram of "Levi" is "Live." How perfect.

Happy Easter!
Erin

April 5, 2010 at 12:35 AM  
Blogger beyond this moment said...

I found that having a new baby sometimes makes things hurt more for a while... because you know you're going to experience things with this child that you are missing out on with the child you lost.

I'm very sorry it's so hard for you right now. It will get better.

April 5, 2010 at 12:54 AM  
Blogger Wolfpacker's Angel said...

After my daughter passed away, I still went to baby section and looked at all the little girl clothes and cried and cried. Praying for you.
Shannon

April 5, 2010 at 10:27 AM  
Blogger Heather at All A Flutter said...

I think that for those of us that have lost a child, Easter takes on a whole new feeling. It was always an amazing day, but now it's something special in a whole new way. Know that you're not alone with experiencing days being harder then you expected, or crying in the middle of Target for that matter. Blessings to you!

April 5, 2010 at 11:14 AM  
Blogger Melody said...

What an awesome song! I was so touched by your words and brokenhearted for you, that I was going to even click on the video. Though I've heard different people say how much they love Shane & Shane, I admit I really have no clue who they are. ;) But I did click and I loved it. I was just laughing and in tears of joy as their song escalated into true worship and happiness as they sang of their Savior. So beautiful.

April 5, 2010 at 2:19 PM  
Blogger debi9kids said...

I am so sorry that little things like that get you. and the big things too :(
a friend of mine lost her daughter right around the time you lost Cora, and sadly, she goes through all of the same things you are.
It's good to find comfort in the Lord. And good to find comfort in family or friends or writing, or whatever else might bring you peace that passes understanding.


Blessings to your family.

April 6, 2010 at 2:25 AM  
Blogger Jenifer's Journey said...

My heart aches for you ....Your in my preys ...Thanks for sharing this amazing song know every time I hear this song I will think of you and Cora

April 6, 2010 at 8:30 AM  
Blogger L ~ S said...

It is not silly that you started crying! I started crying in church on Saturday, because I saw a daughter hug her mom and I miss am missing my mom...unfortunatly, I could not leave, so I had to try to clean up the tears as gracefully as possible.

April 6, 2010 at 10:30 AM  
Blogger Michelle said...

I left a little gift for you on my blog. www.missingjuanito.blogspot.com

April 6, 2010 at 1:12 PM  
Blogger Sharon said...

Jess, you have such grace even in the hardest of times. I admire you very much! We would love to see some pictures of Levi in his Easter outfit.

April 6, 2010 at 4:50 PM  
Blogger Tricia said...

Oh Jess, my heart aches once again for the pain that your sweet family feels on a daily basis.
Thank you for sharing with us today. May God continue to bless and keep you.

With love and prayers,
XO*Tricia

April 6, 2010 at 6:26 PM  
Blogger Alli Unruh said...

It was good to run into you at Grace. I am continuing to pray for you and Joel. Levi looked so adorable, and you are a great mom. Thank for your honesty and for sharing your heart.

April 7, 2010 at 1:18 PM  
Blogger Lisa said...

Praying for you today. May the Lord give you a peace and joy today that is unexplainable. You're in my thoughts.

April 7, 2010 at 5:47 PM  
Blogger Lauren Kelly said...

Your strength amazes me and just wanted you to know that today!!

April 7, 2010 at 6:59 PM  
Blogger The Schilling's from Cimarron said...

Jess,

Ahhh sweetheart I teared up when I read this blog. My heart aches for you still! And yet you still are so strong and finding hope in all of God's great glory, we continue to learn from your strength and faith more than you know. We miss you all so much, and of course thought of you this year too and remembered last year at that time we were together. Give Levi a big hug for me! love to you ALL! praying for smiles and peace in your hearts!

love you,

Amie

April 8, 2010 at 9:05 AM  
Anonymous Bec said...

My uncle passed away last summer and at his memorial benefit, they sold pink shirts that said, "Real Men Wear Pink," because that was his favorite color to wear. We even had him buried in his pink polo and work overalls. Anyways, I about lost it at Target the other day when I was shopping and a little boy turned to his mom and said, "You know, real men wear pink!" I wanted to turn to him and say, "Darn right they do!" but I figured since I was tearing up it would just freak him out.

April 9, 2010 at 6:41 PM  

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