two months
It has been two months since our little Cora went to meet Jesus.
How could two months have gone by already? It seems like we just left the hospital. The things that happened in the hospital replay in my mind like it was just yesterday.
But, it seems like forever since I got to hold my baby. Forever since we were laughing and playing together. It is hard to even describe. Time is moving forward and yet the ache in our hearts is so intense and new. Somedays seem a little better, but some days it seems like the pain is getting worse.
I listened to the Watermark song that was sung at Cora's celebration service several times today. The words are so true to how I am feeling. I miss Cora in EVERY way.
Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there's a day when we will hold you
We will hold you
You'll kiss our tears away
When we're home to stay
Can't wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
'til mom and dad can hold you...
You'll just have heaven before we do
You'll just have heaven before we do
And today I am longing for that day when my tears will be wiped away.
posted by the mcclenahans @ 6:09 PM
108 Comments:
Joel and Jess,
I was just thinking about you guys and praying for you. I was reading through this blog and your post just came up! I am lifting you up right now to Jesus.
I am so sorry.
Heather M
Thought about you ALL day...wish I was there to give you a big hug. Love you.
I prayed for you last night as I went to sleep, and was wondering how things are going. I was glad to read of your weekend together; one more step towards healing and towards a different kind of future.
From one Mom to another, I wish words could ease your pain; I wish I had a way to take away the ache you have in your heart.
I will hold you up in prayer tonight, and tomorrow. God be with you as you walk this road.
~Danielle
I can't say I know what you are going through, but please know that we pray for you both.
My heart aches, aches, aches for you. I love that song--can't wait to meet Cora in heaven!
Loving and praying for you!!
I stumbled upon your blog when your baby was diagnosed with cancer. I have followed it since. I have a baby Cora's age, so it struck me hard when she got sick. I don't know you, but my heart aches for you and your family. I cannot imagine how terribly sad you are and how you must miss Cora. I find myself reading old posts and am in disbelief how quickly things happened and how 2 months have now passed. I just want you to know that a stranger (sister in Christ) is praying in McAllen, TX. I pray that the Lord will dry your tears and heal your broken heart as only He can. I read a blog you wrote where you said you hoped you would handle a tough situation with grace and you have. I admire your strength and witness in such a time as this.
I've been thinking about you guys all day. I pray that one day you will smile more and cry less. It has to be so hard. Not a day goes by that I don't think about your family and sweet Cora. She has forever changed me as a mother and as a christian woman. God bless you.
Love, Ashley
Here is another SIC (sister in Christ) praying for you both. I have no words. I can only say that with the way that so many in our country have turned their back to our Lord, it is beautiful to see you clinging to Him.
May God bless you both.
Amy
My heart still breaks every time I read one of your posts. I am sure I will never know you here on earth, but I can't wait for the day I get to meet you and your sweet Cora with Jesus one day. Blessings on you and Joel.
Kim - Abilene, TX
oh, i think about you all the time. two months. my heart aches for you. and i wish there was something that would make it better.
you all are grieving with such strength and openness and dignity. honoring God with each step.
and i love that watermark song and i remember when they first sang it. it broke my heart then and it's breaking all over again. thank you so much for faithfully sharing.
i am certainly praying for you.
and i would still like a cora's playground button for my blog. do you have the link/code?
have a sweet, blessed Easter.
Oh, how I long for that day for you...I don't have anything else to say. I continue to think of and pray for you both. From your previous post, your smiling faces bring me to tears...and this does too. I wrote this a while back but didn't share it. I hope it's okay to do so now...
http://www.fivewalkers.com/?p=1546
I'll keep praying.
i can't believe it's been 2 months. my heart still aches for you as it did 2 months ago today. my prayers are with you that you will be strengthened with the strength only Christ can give. you are such an inspiration. little cora was so blessed to have you as her momma!
Ohhh...bless your hearts.
I cannot imagine your pain. You are thought of every day.
Blessings from CA
praying from Texas.
I am so inspired by your faith. I am encouraged by your hope in the Lord and your steadiness in the comfort that only He can provide.
I am so sorry for your pain and loss.
I pray the Lord is always by your side as you walk through this incredibly difficult time and that you continue to feel His peace. Many hugs to you and your husband.
Praying for you, I read this the other day and I cry, but is so beautiful.Guess what mommy & daddy,
Heaven is great.
Just like you said,
There's not much longer to wait.
Guess what mommy & daddy,
I have a guardian angel who comes at night.
I told him I wanted to go,
But the times not right.
Guess what mommy & daddy,
My angel came this morning.
While you were still in bed,
He came with a warning.
Guess what mommy & daddy,
When I left with June.
So you could rest some more,
I knew my time was soon.
Guess what mommy & daddy,
When you were finally out of sight,
I told my angel,
The time is just right.
Guess what mommy & daddy,
When you still didn't know I was gone,
My angel put his hand in mine,
And I was no longer stiff or sick,I felt so happy & fine.
Guess what mommy & daddy,
When the hospital called,I saw you crying from above.
I saw daddy & how scared he was,
And I knew how much I was loved.
Guess what mommy & daddy,
On the way to the hospital I heard you pray,
Don't let them bring me back,
I know you don't want God to take me away.
Guess what mommy & daddy,
I saw you walk into the ER,and ask is he gone.
I saw the look on your face when the nurse said yes!
It looked like you'd never go on.
Guess what mommy & daddy,
I seen you holding me tight.
I kissed you good-bye with my love,
And tried to tell you I was alright.
Guess what mommy & daddy,
There's no more pain,
You can go on with your life,
And not feel so drained.
Guess what mommy & daddy,
I'll watch you all your days through.
And be like your guardian angel,
Just because, I LOVE YOU!!
Elda
Thinking about you. You and your family are still in my prayers.
May the Lord wrap His arms around you and hold you tight. Thinking of you and praying for you!!!!!!
My heart aches for you . Thinking about you several times a day .
Cora has change me forever and I didn't know her.
Someday you will be together again.
Sometimes I hate leaving comments, because I often find myself with no words and then when I try I feel I come off rambling....
But my heart always wants to comment, if you read them all or not... but I have to let it be known to you and your family, that although your pain is still very new and very very painful, and the world is just flying on by. I have not forgotten.
In fact yesterday it didn't come to mind that it was Two Months already...but there was a long pause period out of no where in which I felt the urge to stop what I was doing and just stare and hold, smile and play with Morgan. It really came out of nowhere. And every time I do that, the first name that comes to mind is Cora. Then a list of others like Isaac, Sage etc. As I look at Morgan I realize how the pain I feel knowing this is what others moms are hurting and missing from right this very moment.
It hurts.
I love that song and its so true...as I sit with tears rolling down my face early in the morning and still dark outside... I pray, pray, pray that God continues to hold you and protect you only the way HE can.
You may feel alone in all of this but there are so many that lift you up in prayers and shed tears with you... although our pain cant even compare to your pain, our heartache and tears are very real for you and your family and your loss of that beautiful little sweet girl Cora Paige.
Cora Paige!
Cora Paige!
We love you and miss you, Cora Paige.
God bless you.
Holding you & yours in my daily thoughts and prayers.
You are in my thoughts, prayers and heart. Thinking of you and sweet Cora always. Hugs to you.
Praying for you... I love that song
My heart hurts so much for you! I too cannot believe that it has been 2 months..Let yourself shed your tears and miss your sweet baby girl. I imagine time will heal but I am sure that you always miss your Cora.
Kim
Amazing song.....Joel and Jessica, I've never met you, but you are so often on my mind and in my prayers. I know that my heart aches for you; how much greater is the love the Father lavishes upon you!
Praying for you.
Stephanie
Jess -
I am still praying and thinking of you. I bought a little burp cloth from Etsy before Cora's birthday and I haven't been able to put it up quite yet. It is going to go in my "hope" dresser drawer in what would have been my baby's room when I feel like putting it in. I think of Cora & our baby every time I see it.
Your blog friend -
Tina (from Missouri)
I think about Cora and your family all of the time. I am continuing to lift you in prayer.
Just wanted to let you know that there's someone else that doesn't know you but thinks of you and prays for you.
Continuing to pray for you from Michigan. I'm still waiting on my Etsy bag that helped to support Cora's playground. I can't wait to have that daily reminder of your beautiful little cherub. I know words aren't always enough, but I wish I could somehow ease your enormous amount of pain. We all are continuing to lift you up in prayer.
Praying for you.
Carley
No words just tears and prayers for you
Robin
May God bless you and give you peace this very day.
I think about you and your family often. I wish I could take the pain away. No one should have to experience the loss of a child! My heart aches for you.
I am so sorry!
*hugs*
melanie
Jess, my very being aches for you. I hope that you can find some comfort in the new life that was promised this Easter and everyday, even for your little girl.
My heart aches for you. I can't even imagine your pain. I am praying for you!
I found your post today through another blog and my heart broke when I read it. It is really hard to lose a baby. I lost mine at 5 months old almost a year ago due to a failed kidney. She was my life and I know how you must be feeling. Your family is in my thoughts and prayers and I wish you peace to make it through. I know I'm a stranger but my name is Amanda and if you just need to vent or talk I will listen. My email is amanda200888@aol.com God Bless you!
Continuing to pray for you!
There are no words I can say to take away what you are going through, just know that we are here for you and we're praying for you and Joel. <3
~ Heather
Bless your heart...((hugs)) to you as you miss your sweet Cora! Jesus, hold Joel and Jess in the palm of your hands...give them peace.
I am now crying after reading the lyrics from the song...so sorry aobut what you are going through, I couldn't imagine. Your faith is an inspiration!
I think of you and your family often - my heart aches for you. I have no words, only tears. I could never be strong enough to continue on.
Praying for you in Iowa.
Praying for you both... its hard to believe its been 2 months. Just wanted you to know that you are in my heart and in my prayers.
I was praying for you last night for quite a while and will continue to do so. I wish I had something more comforting to say, but I can't think of anything that could even begin to ease your pain. All I know to do is pray, I think about your family and Cora everyday and always will.
Love,
Sara
That song makes me cry everytime I hear it, so beautiful and filled with hope.
Prayers and love are continuing to be sent your way.
Strength is wonderful, but tears and sadness are okay too.
You both are an inspiration to so many of us.
God is doing amazing things through your willing spirits.
*Tricia
I know that song was written after a lot of heartbreak for the Nockels but I think it sings the words of so many mommies hearts just perfectly. Thank you for sharing it!
I'm praying for you still.
I don't really know what to say except that your story has truly touched my heart and I wish that (not even knowing you) I could wrap my arms around you and take some of your pain away.
I am praying for you and for Joel and just hope that God can give you some peace in time to face the new reality that you live with.
I ache for you and I cry for you.
Jessica in Fort Worth, TX
Still praying
I can't believe it's been two months already.
I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss and the pain that you are feeling.
I'm praying for you as the tears are streaming down my face.
These pictures popped into my mind as soon as I read your sweet post...
http://www.keatonprints.com/prints_love.htm
I have the one of Jesus walking with the toddler and holding the baby in our home. I just love the joy on the babies faces...
Out of all the wonderful blogs I follow, yours always touches me the most. Like I said before, I feel that what happened to you guys can happen to any of us.
I know it feels like life just keeps going and everyone just goes about their daily lives but you're never far from my thoughts.
Dawn from Oregon
I am still praying and thinking of you often. I am inspired and encouraged by your trust and faith in our Lord. You're such a huge blessing to me!
"Come quickly Lord Jesus!"
Love,
Suzi
Prayers are lifted for you. May God bring you comfort and peace. You are a beautiful Mommy - your angel is watching over you.
Sending hugs and prayers for strength to get through the hard days.
my thoughts are with you always...xo
I pray for you everyday and think of you so very often...
My heart aches as i read your words. I continue to check your blog daily. You continue to be in our prayers on a daily basis! You and your family are continuing to minister to me. Thank you!
Crying for you still...I wish you could stop suffering, it seems so unfair. I am reading the bible for the first time because of you...it is very confusing, but I am reading it. You and Cora are an inspiration.
Jess, praying for you right now and asking the Lord if I can carry the pain for you for just a few moments. Like so many others have said, He brings you to mind over and over. I've never thought about and prayed for someone I've never met the way that I have for you & Joel. Every time I go back & look at pics of Cora, I begin to weep and can only imagine your grief.
I sit here as tears flood my face. My heart feels like it is completely shattered. For you, and Joel, for me and my now sleeping children who I just lost my patience with. I'd give anything for them. ANYTHING. I can't imagine not being able to do that. So when they get up we are going to decorate easter eggs and of course one for Cora. Yes, I will neglect my dirty house, laundry and dishes b/c I know that every moment God allows me to be with them is more of a blessing than I could ever ask for. Thank you for putting my priorities straight today. I feel such heavy pain for you but you have made my husband and I appreciate God and our children so much more.
May God Give you the Strength and Courage to walk through all the tears. We'll be praying for you.
My prayers are with you as you seek to bear the broken hearts and loss of your sweet and precious daughter.
I'm always thinking of you both and sending my love your way. I just don't know what to say.
Jess, I'm glad you guys had a nice weekend away. I still pray for you always and wish that I could make things easier. When our son passed away I really could not stand when people told me that time would heal, time does not heal you, you just learn to live with a different you. Just know that it is okay to laugh, cry, scream or whatever YOU feel the need to do. As always thank you for keeping us informed about you guys, I have you on my mind everyday. I hope someday we can meet (I'm only 45 min away) and I can't wait to hear that Cora's playground is finished, so we can bring the kids to play on it.
Love In Christ,
Courtney
I'm still here and still praying for you, Jess and Joel. My women's Bible study that I attend has also been in prayer for you (it is comprised of me, a couple other young women, but mostly old ladies :). They have been through a lot, and one lady that lost her own son had tears in her eyes when I shared your story. We are all praying for you!!
sending encouragement from Delaware,
Marlene
Praying for you.....still.
This comment has been removed by the author.
My heart longs with yours for you to see her. Wish there were words to make it easier. Praying for you today.
Your support system of friends and family is absolutely incredible. I read your blog again start to finish last night and was stunned to see that over 1600 people left messages on the day that Cora left you and Joel. (Except part of her will always be with you.) This morning I read your post from last night and tears welled up. Fear not that you are not moving "forward." I imagine that the numbness that offered some protection for the past two months is slowly wearing off and you are feeling the sharper edge of grief. You have so many good people to lean on. And isn't it amazing to think how many people whom you've never met are thinking about you and Cora every single day. There is a power in this healing process that can come only from God.
Liz--another Cora's grandmother
How I found your blog, I'm not sure. But I am so thankful that I did. My heart is heavy for you both, and I think of you constantly. I have wanted to leave you a comment before, but can't quite express what I would like to say...I think that Misty has said it best...
Please know I am thinking, crying, and praying for you and your family. You have forever touched my heart, and my relationship with God. I will continue to read, learn and grow from you.
-Kristina (Lee's Summit, MO)
I came across your blog through a link on etsy a couple of weeks ago. You and your family are in my prayers.
Thinking of you today.
As I celebrated my daughters birthday yesterday, I also said a prayer for yet another milestone of your lives. You two are always in my prayers!
oh, my mama's heart aches for yours. i am so, so sorry.
praying for you everyday,
~randi
I have never met you but found have followed your journey with Cora since January. I live in Utah but have family in Henderson, NE and Hillsboro and Wichita, KS - my husband and I attended Tabor college. I also follow Meg Durkeson's blog. ANyways, through these connections I've been readying your entries and have prayed for you and cried with you each time I visit your blog. I pray for an abundance of God's peace over you today. Your family and Cora's life have impacted and encouraged so many for Christ. THanks for sharing your raw feelings with the world.
Jess-
It's been just over one year since my Nate died (also born 3/5/08). I know how the hospital images playback through your mind. Our wonderful counselor explained that to us as our brains don't understand our reality. They are trying to make sense and sort out things that are just unimaginable. I do know that it will stop. The bad images will move to the back of your mind and the happy memories will fill your heart. It just takes time. You will find that time is your friend. It's hard to believe that the pain will ever lessen but it will. I don't believe that it will ever go away but the joy and happiness will start to multiply and the sadness will diminish. Focus on Phil 4. It took me many months but it really did allow me to have the joy back in my life. I still miss my son like crazy and would do anything to hold him again. I'm just tired of being sad. As much as was taken from us, God has given us so much more. Just take it 1 day (or sometimes 1 hour) at a time and when the hospital images come, ask God to help you focus on the happy times. He is close to the brokenhearted and will not fail you. I know that you don't want this (and frankly neither do I) but this loss will make you a different person. A better person. The bible will have an entirely different meaning, praise songs will feel like you got punched in the stomach and your real relationships (because some people will bail out) will be much deeper than you could have ever imagined. Just hang in there. It will be better a year from now.
Hugs from a Mommy who gets it!
Trisha
it does seem like yesterday.
so hard to know you hurt so much jess.
that song was one of the most beautiful i have ever heard.
praying for you all the time.
I am praying for you. May God continue to hold you and your husband in the palm of his hand.
I started following your blog after Cora was diagnosed... my heart breaks for you. Your honesty and faith are so amazing. Praying, praying for you as you walk this hard road.
i think you guys often and pray for you.
I think of you so often. I wish there was something I could do. You are a wonderful person and I wish you were not going through all of this. Please know that you have changed me forever. I am a better wife, sister, daughter, and most importantly mom. I have you, your faith, and your strength to thank for that!
May God comfort you both during this time.
I'm a lady from southern California and I check in on you every day. Please know that I pray for your family. Your beautiful Cora has touched so many. There is such strength and love in each and every post.
Caitty
Joel and Jess,
I am a far away friend who has followed you through the blogging of Cora's ordeal. We don't know each other but I am one who has been so touched by you both and by Cora's story. I can only imagine what sense of loss you are experiencing every day. I am sorry you have to endure this but know many around the world surround you with love. Jesus is with you always and will see you through each day. I am thinking of you daily and praying for your well being during this time. Thank you for being such a inspiration in your love for the lord and your faith. It has given me mine more than ever. May god be with you always. Hugs from far away:)
Leah
Joel and Jess,
I am a far away friend who has followed you through the blogging of Cora's ordeal. We don't know each other but I am one who has been so touched by you both and by Cora's story. I can only imagine what sense of loss you are experiencing every day. I am sorry you have to endure this but know many around the world surround you with love. Jesus is with you always and will see you through each day. I am thinking of you daily and praying for your well being during this time. Thank you for being such a inspiration in your love for the lord and your faith. It has given me mine more than ever. May god be with you always. Hugs from far away:)
Leah
Praying that God will heal your hearts as only He can and for comfort and peace to surrond you as you heal.
SW WI MOMMY
Joel and Jess,
You are so often in my thoughts and my prayers. My heart continues to ache for and with you. I pray you continue to feel the nearness of God.
Hurting and praying for you today... I can't imagine.
I'm so sorry that you have to feel this sadness. No parent should have to endure this, But, if anyone understands the loss of a child, it is our Lord. May you feel his comfort as you walk this road. You are not alone.
Susan in Indiana
I check your blog every day and I cannot begin to imagine the deepness of your sadness. I pray each day for God to give you an extra measure of His grace and peace. Eleanor in SC
While I have no idea the pain you feel, I can only imagine having a son myself. It is hard to even imagine your pain... I wish I could take some of your hurt away. I pray for your sweet family every night before bed. I pray that God will grant you peace. Please know Cora's life has touched so many. Big Hugs from GA.
We keep Cora's picture on our fridge and we pray for all of you often . think about you all the time . My heart aches for you . Be strong and allow the Lord to cradle you in his arms and lean on him when you feel you cant stand the pain one more second. I will be praying . love you !!
Praying for you...Sweet Jesus be near.
brandi
i am sure that your pain does seem worse some days, and in different ways...still thinking of you and your painful loss.
Hi Jess...
I am praying for you. I wish I could say something that would make everything okay. Just know that I, like so many others, are praying for you.
Cristy
Im in Ohio, heard about little Cora, and have been following your blog ever since. Its so hard to understand why God chooses to take those we love away from us when he does..when we're not ready. But, you are so lucky because you know where she is, and that she'll always be your little girl there forever. This passage brought and still brings me comfort on the loss of my Father..I hope it does the same for you. I may not know you, but I am always praying for you. God Bless..
*Phil. 1:3 - "I thank my God every time I remember you."
I am prayin for you.
I'm not often at a loss for words, but today, I stand in awe of you and Joel and your awesome faith!! I think of you often(just as thousands of others do) and pray for strength for you both!! Your sweet baby girl has touched so many!! Today...I have a feeling she is coloring Easter eggs in Heaven and is beaming with pride to call you her mommy and daddy!! God Bless!
oh miss jess (& beloved)! i am so sorry. i keep thinking of these verses isaiah 61:1-3 when i think of you. praying the Lord would bring much beauty from the ashes of your sorrow and knowing He is making you both into 'oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor.'
I cry for you daily. Not a day has gone by in these past two months that I've not teared up and gotten a lump in my throat just thinking of the pain you and Joel are enduring.
I was talking to a mutual friend of ours recently and said, as strange as it seems, in many ways I feel maternal toward you. As a mom, you know that feeling. You're just so precious and innocent and I want to protect you. I'm only 4 or 5 years older, but there have been so many times, even during Cora's hospital stay, that I just wanted to hold you and tell you that it was all going to be okay. The reality is, it's not okay. You're still left with empty arms and a broken heart, and facing the rest of your life with that. It's something I can't imagine.
Continue to lean on God because only He can give you that comfort, that peace that passes all understanding. (And I know you have an amazing real mom and dad who can hold you.) :)
I wish I could make it better.
We're still praying for you daily. God bless you.
i can't believe it has been that long. I feel like it was yesterday, and I have no idea how it must feel for you. I have you in my prayer journal and think of you almost daily. My prayers are with you.
My heart still breaks for you and your family. I am just a random reader who came upon your blog. I know that there is a special purpose for you. Listen to "Your Love Is Strong" by Jon Foreman. It has such a powerful message. God's love is Strong enough for you...even in this tragic time.
Hope you find some peace in his very hard time. You are amazing people, and deserve happiness...which will come someday. Bless you both and keep hugging and loving each other. You are wonderful people.
I'm so very sorry for your loss of your little Cora. I can't imagine what you are going through, but my prayers are with you as you go through this time of grief.
Oh, Jess,
You are so precious. Your honesty and transparency in your blog move me to tears. I must tell you that you and your story have encouraged and changed me (for the better) as a mom, wife, and christian woman. Oh, my dear, keep going. You are so loved.
Amy
I thought of you so much that day...........sending loving prayers for you both.
May God continue to bless and keep you.
Jess,
I love that Watermark song... it must be bittersweet to listen to, though.
I have been thinking of you guys a lot as we near Easter Sunday. I cannot imagine how painful holidays will be without your precious Cora.
Praying God will fill you with His sweet peace & comfort.
Love & Prayers,
Christy Klein
Praying for you guys!
I happened upon your blog when your baby girl was first diagnosed with cancer and have been following ever since. I'm an oncology nurse and my daughter is a month younger then Cora so I can't even imagine the pain you must be going through. I just wanted to let you know that my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family during this trying time. You are truly an inspiration to all.
God Bless
Jess,
This was played at the memorial service for my little one as well. However, I can not listen to it with out crying so it has been a long time since I have. Just reading the words brings me to tears. I pray for you and Joel daily and am in awe of your strength and faith. God bless.
Emily
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